THEY SAY IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY!!!

Yes, yes it is.  Why do I decide to even try to write this post because I'm in a really grouchy mood just by the order of the fact that my stupid birthday lands two days after Christmas and that is already pretty much a recipe for disappointment.  Yes, I still feel like crud.  I feel like I have this big ass gas bubble that is ready to explode out of my ass at any moment.  My kids are really unmotivated.  They want to sit in their rooms and watch their new televisions we got them for Christmas. I mean, I guess I'm happy they love their televisions and tablets...but there is going to be some limits set on all of this stuff.  My darling Camille is sweet as ever and begging me to try to make the most of the day.  Of course there will be no cake, because there is no oven to bake it in.  I was thinking of going out to the movies but Chad has his work cut out for him as far as I'm concerned with fixing all the crap that went wrong at Christmas (broken toys, doors, ect--I won't even go into detail about that).  And of course I still feel ick. So, I'm doing my best to ignore the fact that it's my birthday because I always get this kind of lump in my throat because it is always so disappointing.  I know I am a grown adult and it really shouldn't matter.  And truly I don't need a fuss.  But...all I asked for this year was a little time to put together a video montage and lemon cake with homemade enchilada's.  My husband asked why I hadn't started making them yet.  ??? Ugh really? I have to resist the urge to just kick his ass because he puts absolutely zip zero zilch into doing anything nice for me.  So I have to pretend like it doesn't bother me.  But it does.  Every year it gets to me.  I wish I could say that we could do something this weekend but we are already booked with other obligations.  Oh well...I guess it's better to pretend like I'm not getting older anyway. 

IT'S BEGINING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE CHRISTMAS...

Oh yes, EVERYWHERE you go.  People are so rude and a zillion cars jamming up traffic.  Please remind me  the next time I decide to run out on December 23rd for a few "quick errands" with five of my youngest kids ....please just slap me silly.  Hang me by my toenails and let me die a slow painful death because that would be far preferable to what I experienced.  My dear sweet little Edward had this notion that if he were to throw the biggest fits of his life in the store, that possibly I wouldn't discipline him in front of everyone.  And when I did,  I do believe the fit got bigger and badder.  I can' tell you how many times I heard, "wow, do you ever have your hands full".  Why yes, yes, I do.  So if you see that my hands are full, you COULD help! But that's okay.  I will survive.  I got the tasks accomplished and only had to take one valium and drink maybe one glass of wine.  Or two.  Three tops. 

I had been up night after night wrapping gifts and preparing for the holiday's.  I told my loving hubby that it felt like "Chinese torture" to be up so late night and night again.  I also had lovely thrush.  Probably brought on be a really crappy diet of mostly Christmas cookies and soda to stay awake.  That is indulgence at it's best/worse.  When candlelight Christmas Eve services came at church, I felt like it was actually a nice distraction.  Even though I did miss my ten year old being the candle lighter.  Ugh.  I saw a very pregnant friend at church and she told me she was dilated to 5cm and ready to go into labor! Is it weird that I felt a little jealous? No, not really of the pain that she was about to go through, but just the excitement and anticipation of it all.  As if I needed that on top of everything I already had on my plate.  Ha! The music was nice...even if it was a little mostly for the older generation of the church.  I love our church.  I'm not in love love with the worship. Still, it was a nice distraction and reminded me of what our purpose was truly in celebrating Christmas. 

I had myself fooled.  I thought I would make it to bed before 5am on the eve of Christmas but that did not occur...again.  I woke up the next morning with the strangest burps.  They were the egg burps that you get when you get to visit the porcelain god.  I kept trying to tell myself that I was not getting sick and it was completely the popcorn I 'd eaten the day before.  Oooof course it was.  I ended the evening indeed worshiping the porcelain god in all of my glory.  Lovely.  Months of trying to make Christmas a magical day for my children and it all came down to "that".  Tired, feverish, and just feeling absolutely rotten...Christmas was anything but magical for me.  I hope that the kids still had a good day despite the fact that I wasn't able to be much of a mommy.  I woke the next morning and thought Helter Skelter had happened to the house.  Alas, it pretty much had.  It was completely over the top ready for an episode of Hoarders.  And I do not believe anybody had any motivation to do anything about it.  We've also been eating some interesting dinners lately as on Christmas eve, a fire sparked in my oven and my sweet daughter thought that the best way to handle it would be to throw water on it  Sooooo...the heating element in the oven is no longer working.  It's interesting to realize how much you really do depend on the oven even in this day of microwaves.  But the fact that we have food in our bellies...even if our bellies are feeling less than stellar....is probably the more important factor here.  Ahhhh....the holidays....

HEYA DOLL, WHERE YA BEEN ALL MY LIFE?

Wow, it's been about a month.  Didn't even get to post about Mayson's three month birthday! Boo.  It's just been really crazy busy.  Busy busy busy.  I make it all seem effortless and like I haven't even one grey hair.  Do you know how much hair color I buy in a month anyway?

 Well, except that I don't think the kids school thinks I have it all together.  Those sweet kids were late to school again today.  Oops.  It is just the mechanics of it all.  Right now I am driving William to the school and then coming back and resuming to get the rest of us ready.  Thankfully Camille's bus stop isn't far.  But then I feel bad that she has to walk in such bitter cold.  I'm kind of more like a hippy mom in that really I'm not completely offended if my kids are late a fourth of the time.  In fact I feel pretty damn good about myself if my kids are THERE 3/4 of the time.  Don't get me wrong.  I think education is super duper important.  This is why I travel to such great lengths and make painstaking decisions of where to place my kids for schools.  I don't think our kids have ever just went to the "neighborhood school".  I guess some people would look at it as a control thing but it isn't.  I really do want the BEST for my kids.....and speaking of which right now they are getting ANYTHING but that.

I am constantly fighting with the schools here in Meridian.  I've begged Chad for us to move.  I hate that Camille is in counseling because she hates school so much.  I hate that the other kids reminisse about their old school and talk about "bullies" galore at the new school.  I hate that I am literally fighting day after day to get anything done.  I know I'm being talked into something I shouldn't be going for.  The teachers all act like it is their JOB to protect their asses.  No...your job is to teach my child! It's BEYOND frustrating.  And yes, oh yes, I am complaining. I am literally considering homeschooling them all.  Wouldn't that be interesting.  Camille is open to the idea.  The middle girls would probably warm up to the idea....William would be mortified.  Well, except that he got to sleep in.  I already learned it's difficult for me to be his mom and his teacher.  We don't connect that way.  I think we could if I had more time to spend individually with him but that isn't going to happen.  I don't know what we will do.  I am seriously considering a move.  I want to move out of state and have a one year commitment to 'try something new".  I want to move to a new state or even country.  I hate Idaho.  At least I think I do.  I think right now is the perfect time for us to give it a try.  It's hard to push my husbands hand with anything though.  Sigh.  If he only knew my system and what I dealt with each . and every. day! He would want something to change then too. 

Thanksgiving really took a lot of efforts this year.   Because we hosted at our house, I feel like all of the Christmas stuff got delayed.  I'm so horribly feeling grinchy this year.  I swear, I could care less about the smell of the fresh pine in our living room that sits half decorated because we got too tired to finish it.  The lights outside? Oh they are interesting.  It think a trailer park display would look less clusterfucked.  But, I digress...I have some of the shopping done.  Black Friday was a nightmare this year too.  I went with the kids, which wasn't so bad, but Chad stayed home while I was out late late.  And only fed Mayson one ounce of a bottle, so then he wanted to nurse all night.  Yeesh! I wasn't too "into" the idea of hosting Thanksgiving the more it started to get nearer.  I think there was really just too much going on in our lives.  But we pulled it off. I have no idea what to do with Christmas.  I cannot tell you what fun it is to go to the mall with little baby, toddler and kindergartener and try to make sure that you not only don't kill one of them or leave one of them (on purpose) but that you are back at school again for a few more kids that are waiting for you.  Everyone is also sick.  That's fun stuff.  And dealing with some issues of my own...gosh..Chad decided on his own to sleep on the couch.  Good riddance.  That Old Man is tired because he chose to stay up until like four am watching television ...oh and putting together a train set.  Sooooo frustrating.   

So yeah, we didn't make it to several "traditions" this year.  I don't know that we will be able to make up most of them.  The trains, the Festival of Tree's, gun shooting...it's all too cold, or too late to try to pull any of those off.  I've tried taking the kids with me to a few Christmas show's to get them more in the spirit and that backfired on me.  They could just care less....and actually in the scheme of things I begin to wonder..."why?"  Why in the world do I try to force things when our family is changing and evolving? We aren't the family of 2.5 kids that are under 5 years old that still gets into things like looking at Christmas lights in the car.  No. Now we are the family of 9 (and perhaps counting) that are packed into the car like a bunch of sardines.  The kids ripping each others hair out.  The older kids are all emersed in their I-whatevers so that they are basicly just warm bodies taking up room in the car.  It's weird because when we threaten that they are being brats and won't get to go do something, they act as though they WANT to be with us....well...mostly.  But then they really don't act like they want to be there when they are there.  Aw well...the nice thing I guess is that however tragic it all feels-we are all together.  And that is something not many families can say.  A lot of kids, particularly older kids don't or wont' really hang out as a family.  So that's something. I suppose!

GOOD GOLLY MISS MOLLY...IT'S HUMP DAY

And what exactly does "hump day" mean to me?  Um, chaos really.  And this Wednesday was no different.  Of course I couldn't say that Monday or Tuesday was really relaxing either.  Come to think of it...relax is not in my vocabulary. Why I seek something as elusive as relaxation is beyond me...in fact I sometimes wonder what relaxation really means to me.  I'm fairly sure it's not really achievable at this point in time.  I run all day taking the kids to appointments, school, activities, ect. ect. and then at night for some reason  I seem to think I will have a few minutes to sit down and vegetate? Not so much.  I resent the families that don't have a lot to do actually.  I resent the families that put together jigsaw puzzles because they have free time.  Our house has to run like a military ship.  It's insane! But not all together bad per say...just very very busy. I asked for it.  I got it! I'm so thankful because I'm sure it's what keeps me young and going.  I don't have time to get sick or stop.  I don't even have time to think sometimes.  I had yet another car accident the other day.  Ugh, Ugh. I decided that it was just a matter of a fact that in reality I'm always on the run, always running LATE (and yeah, sometimes there are just different levels of late but I'm always late) and always distracted.  No wonder I get into so many accidents.  It's not an excuse though. Well, maybe this is my excuse. I'm just very thankful that my hobby is all about hitting parked cars and not about getting into a major auto accident (yet).  And all while being distracted I get majorly bored while driving.  No connection to the outer world aside from the stereo. 

We celebrated baby Mayson's two month birthday the other day! Wow, how quickly time goes and yet it seems like he was meant to be with us all along.  What a good little guy he is.  He does get cranky when he wants to go to sleep, which is like any baby really.  He's still having a hard time with growing and he still spits up watery stuff when I feed him any type of formula.  Maybe it's not just the formula and he is spitting up watery stuff other times as well? I asked the doctor and he is sending us to the lactation specialist and then if we don't get clear answers we will go to the GI doctor.  I don't want to go that route but there's something there...something I can't put my finger on exactly.  Or maybe it's just hard to believe I have a healthy beautiful baby boy with no issues! We had chocolate cupcakes and let Mayson have a special bath for his birthday.  Of course this was after a very full day anyway.  We went to an event earlier in the day and won $155 in gift cards! Woot! I had a feeling we would win, so I was really looking forward to going.  We also went to a harvest festival with the kids.  Lauren go to go to a birthday party.  Her first "friend from school" birthday party.  She was soooo excited but still terribly shy.  I find it so hard to understand how she is so shy with her peers and not at all shy with adults.  After our events of the day, we went and got free coffee at Dutch Bros. and then went to Goodwill for Halloween costume ideas.  It was actually a fairly fun evening. 

The weekend continued with church the next morning.  I'm still a little ass hurt about the whole church Halloween party thing.  Er, excuse me "costume party".  I had told the kids about two weeks postpartum that we should have a Halloween party this year for the older kids since they didn't really feel like dressing up and felt like they were getting too old to trick or treat.  I believe it could have been crazy horrormones talking...I dunno...but I agreed to a Halloween party.  I hadn't even really thought about the specifics of pulling off such an adventure.  I can't even seem to get a SHOWER in or shave my legs on any type of regular basis.  What in the world was I thinking?  Somehow this little suggestion got blown way out of proportion and the next thing I know I am putting on a Halloween party for the church youth group.  Wah? I roll with the flow because that's what I do these days.  I literally have to throw up my hands and laugh and just really give it to God to help me.  Then I get told that I have to be careful with all of my Halloween activities and that they all have to be "bucolically based".  Oh my gosh...uh, that is going to be a little awkward to say the least.  I tried to wrap my head around that thought and wasn't really sure where to head with that.  I have young kids...I don't do "gore" to begin with.  I have a cute little ghost outside and spiderwebs and a little grave site in our front yard. No bloody men popping out of the ground or anything.  No body parts dangling.  The next thing I know, my daughter comes home from youth group and says "you don't have to do ANYTHING for the "costume party" mom because they just needed to use our house".  I was really hurt at that point.  Hurt that the church didn't trust my judgement and hurt that my original thought about having a Halloween party for my children was then somehow taken over by the entities at church and skewed to fit their thoughts on Halloween.  Then there was the tongue lashing about how you are a sinner if you participate in the occult for Halloween at Sunday services.  I am not sure how to deal with this but to again throw my hands up and let God have it also.  Its not the hairiest deal in the world certainly it isn't something to get my panties in a wad about because I'm not so sure how much of the preparations I could have carried out to begin with, but it hurts that I feel like I was taken advantage of and that nobody ever tried communicating with me if they had concerns.  Oh well...I guess me and my mister will get an opportunity to go out that night and let the youth have their party. 

Well, it's almost Thursday....that is a day that is just okay for me.  I'm hoping to be able to have a more RELAXED day.  Ha! Not a chance.

YOU ARE ONE!

One month old that is! We are celebrating by baking you a chocolate cake.  This was mom's craving that I ordered for after delivery but never really got.  I did get some really really good chocolate chip cookies, but not my Costco chocolate cake like I really wanted.  I was bummed that we not only didn't have the money for the Costco cake, but I guess nobody really took me seriously because they never got it for me.  Sigh.  Anyway, I decided that I would celebrate your one month birthday with a chocolate cake instead.  I still don't have the money, so I thought I would bake a really delicious one instead.  I will get that Costco cake sooner or later I am sure. 

This is funny how things steamroll in this family.  Of course you can't eat chocolate cake, but your family will delightfully help you with it.  So somehow it was suggested we have chocolate cake EVERY month on your birth date.  You know, I don't know why that would be a bad idea! I personally think you should be celebrated every single day and I hope that as your mommy I can do that in some form or fashion (but it would probably give us diabetes if we ate chocolate cake EVERY DAY.  So once a month on the cake thing will do. 

Then I got to thinking it would be fun to see how you grew, so I wanted to take a picture of you in the same spot every month with a sign that said what month you were in.  And of course on your one year birthday you will actually get to EAT that huge chocolate Costco cake (hope you like chocolate...if you are actually from my loins you will) But my mind went deeper and deeper still.  Doh, how about if we take a picture of a chocolate cake along with your birthday pose every month! We might have to start the cake out small....like you...and then it will get bigger and bigger ...just like you!

Maybe I've gone stark raving mad or maybe I'm just really super hungry for chocolate cake!?

Enough about the chocolate cake.  How many times did I actually tap those words out anyway?

At one month, you are sleeping still quite a bit.  You usually wake in a fair mood, but you get grumpy as the morning progresses.  Your daily "nap" usually goes from about 11am until 3 or 4 pm.  This gives me a lot of time to get things done but I know it won't stay that way long! You absolutely LOVE baths right now.  You loved them from the beginning.  You don't really smile yet.  You have made a few smile faces in your sleep but I think those weren't really true.  Sister Camille got one smile from you and we haven't seen you flash it since.  Melted her heart! Broke mine, since SHE was the one that got the smile and not ME! Hmph.  Today, you coo'd for the first time twice! You seem to really be interested in figuring out this "talking" thing.  When you look at me, you seem like your eyes are searching me and making gestures to communicate.  It is so precious.  You don't like to be cold and usually feel really warm from your carrier.  You still like to be swaddled.  I should swaddle you more often but I get worried you want your hands out, so I don't do it as often as I should.  At one month, you tolerate all of your brothers and sisters.  You even let Eddie kiss your bald head endless times a day.  You still have that little foot shakey thing.  It's so cute! Your eyes are blue...lighter than the other kids and the center is really light. If I were to guess I would say you will have hazel eyes but everyone else thinks they will be blue.  Your legs are pretty stretched out.  Not as bowed as your sister Camille's or a few of the other kids were.  You have already gotten to go to your first concert and hold your first pumpkin (grown in our own garden!) You seem to like to be sung to.  You like to cuddle.  I think it's fabulous that you are interested in going to sleep at about 10 pm and sleeping somewhat through the night.  You might wake at about 5 or 6 am and I usually wake you to feed you too but so far I love the sleep you  are doing! You HATE your bouncy seat right now.  I mean HATE it.  I can sometimes put you in your cradle but never the bouncy seat.  I paid so much for that thing.  Hmph. You will take a pacifier and Praise the Lord, it has been a Godsend! I hope you continue to take a pacifier.  You are a fabulous sleeping partner.  You always give me the sleepy pill. And you dont' mind your carseat...yet.  You usually fall asleep in there. 

JUST A BIT BUMMED

I was trying to stay away from emotional bummer type posts, but whatever.  I feel like crying right now and can't help it.  I think I might have cried a little bit earlier but I couldn't exactly tell because my allergies are so bad I just know I'm dripping like I'm crying.  LOL.  This could be a cold too. I dunno.

The kids came home from church and I had hoped I could hop on here and post a little bit but no...it was all baby care, which is fine and I love but then they bombard me and any few seconds I thought I could have alone is shattered.  I guess that isn't as much of a big deal (I know, my last post I said it came with the territory).  But. All of the events I take care of myself.  Everything concerning the household is mine to deal with.  To include everything seven kids have going on.  Yikes.  Not only is it overwhelming but it's not fair.  I begged the Old Man to finish that stupid truck months and months ago.  Just like everything else it's procrastinated.  He thinks he will actually fix his Oldsmobile one day.  Hah! Even if he HAD the time, he would squander it.  I seriously love him, but I am seriously annoyed with him.

The special time he has with his newborn son is gone.  It really bothers me.  I guess it doesn't bother him because he doesn't seem to act like it does.  I keep begging and pleading for him to finish, but whatever he is doing is just taking forever. I hope it's worthwhile.  Personally, nothing would be worth taking this much time away from my kids and putting my wife under this much stress.  Oh yeah, it was going on while I was hot and miserable and pregnant too.  It's been like the "truck from hell" in my opinion, but then I get the feeling he is outside watching television a whole lot while I take care of the kids too.  I know I shouldn't slam him but he took on the project knowing I didn't want this same scenario as every other pregnancy.  I told him that was the "conditions" way beforehand.  It's a huge strain on my marriage right now.  He get's pissy when I'm like "get out there, you have a truck to work on".  He put himself in this situation since he's had MONTHS to work on it. 

Ah, better....just needed to get that out.  I guess girls night out at Bunco won't be happening either.  I really needed the break. Damn. Upside is--I get to know our kids like the back of my hand. He has no clue about too much. This was a similar discussion when Eddie fell down the stairs and he refused to stay home to help.

I WOULD LOVE TO KEEP THIS SHORT AND SWEET.....

I don't know how much of this I can write.  Currently you lay next to me sucking your pacifier and I'm expecting a blow up at any time.  You have been sleeping a lot today because yesterday you didn't want to sleep for the life of you.  Ha ha ...I guess if it even's out...Still, we all got up at six am, so get a free McDonalds breakfast that it ends up wasn't even happening today but yesterday.  Ugh, Can I tell you how hard it is to get up and get seven kids out of the house and dressed, with chores done and on the road in time to make it to school?  It was insane, but I stopped and got donuts instead.  The donuts were good but ugh, made my stomach hurt.  I think I was constipated.  LOL.  I'm thinking about moving away from carbs and more towards protein and less sugars.  I'm hoping to stabilize moods and lose some weight...for me and the kids and daddy even.  We consume so much sugars lately.  I know it's not good and I think I'm pretty knowledgable about nutrition and health.  I would say I know more than the average person.  But...I haven't been practicing what I preach.  So...we are going to change that!

I just got done singing some songs to you in my arms.  I could see the glint of some of your hair only a mere shadow from the light of the computer screen.  I sung just fragments of songs because when it comes to singing lullabies I just suck.  Yes I do.  I can sing along to lots of songs but then when I have to come up with something on my own...I fail miserably.  Sorry , one of these days you will probably go to sing your own kids a lullaby and your wife will have to notify you that you are singing the words all kinds of wrong and you will say "but that's how my mom always sung it" and your wife will have to notify you that you are totally mistaken. 

Today was another crazy day.  After the breakfast fiasco, we went to the park a little since the younger kids couldn't be at school so early yet.  Then I went home and tried to get a few photos for Lauren's school scrapbook project.  Of course I opened the refrigerator door because I had forgotten to take my medicine earlier and smelled something really vile, so I started cleaning out he refrigerator.  Then I noticed I would probably have to go to the store for laundry detergent so I decided I would need a bra for that.  I went upstairs to get a bra and realized I had forgotten about downloading the pictures and you and brother were still patiently waiting for me in the car! Ugh!! So I went and got you both from the car and became completely consumed in photos. 

Brother played with cars and was a really good boy while you slept nearby in your carseat.  I could not believe how much had happened over the last five years since your sister Lauren was born! Well, for one...I really DO look older.  Or maybe it takes more effort.  I don't know what it is but I was thinking that I looked pretty good...er...I think I looked much better at 33.  Sigh.  Anyway, I couldn't believe this was the third house we were living in.  I was remembering all that happened last summer at Burney Glen.  I was remembering the pregnancy with your brother Edward and all of the things we did that summer.  I was looking over Upward and football and thinking how much I miss the kids being in sports this year. Maybe I just miss Upward and the families.  I was looking over all of the birthday parties and celebrations and holidays.  I was looking at photo's of family....most of them gone now.  Your grandmother Ann and two of your great grandmothers.  Oh how I wish they could have seen you.  I was glad we got to tell your grandma Ann that your were coming.  Wow, that's been so hard on daddy.  I just feel for him so much.  I was looking at the photos and thinking how much relationships had changed.  I guess the thing that struck me the most was that we always looked like our family was having fun in the photos.  I know we fight and bicker and have "issues" with our relationships in our family but the honest to goodness truth is I think that we love each other and have a good time together and maybe even some of the time respect for each other. 

I had "back to school" or "meet the teachers" or something like that tonight. Yeah me! Blech! I wasn't going to even attempt to go because honestly I don't care what the teachers have to say.  LOL.  I mean, two hours of going over what the teachers expect? I'm sure I won't be able to conform to begin with. I have seven kids and to be honest some shit just isn't going to get done on occasion.  I mean, we will be diligent and try our hardest to accomplish things but my theory is that my kids are gone all day from me and I don't think they need an extra hour or two of "homework" on top of working all day.  There is so much "riff raff" in public schools.  I don't value education the way my husband and some of my friends do.  I take "mental health days" and if my kids have a day that they have to go to the doctor, I'm sorry but I don't think I should have to have an excuse from the doctor to PROVE why they were gone! Its such bullshit.  Of course I wish I could be homeschooling anyway but  that is a different post.  So I made it to the last half hour and the only reason I went was to see some artwork that Morgen had done.  I told her beforehand I might not make it but I was glad I got to see the artwork she did.  I was sad because I knew how much more enrichment the kids were getting at Pioneer.  I really have to decide what we are doing here.  Probably before October.  I have to have a sit down with myself and the reality of thinking about going back to Pioneer and if I would be confusing my kids and if it would really be more work for me or not.  I just don't know....Anyway, I came home from "meet the teacher night" with a gob more paperwork to sign.  As if I haven't already filled out those silly pieces of paper with my kids names, birthdates and tons of other information that they should already have and really don't NEED.  ugh.  I was glad I got to see Morgen's Superhero.  ha ha. 

Tomorrow is breastfeeding class. I am looking forward to it to see if you have gained weight.  I hope you have! I'm not really anxious about it but it would be nice to prove everybody wrong that my supply is so low that I'm not able to feed you.  I know you have tons of wet diapers and you poop like a pooping machine! ha ha.  I think it's okay if it takes a little bit longer to get you chunky.  Breastfed babies aren't always chunky.  My kids are usually on the smaller side anyway (you wouldn't know that from looking at William and Emma!) But I also like the time alone with you where I don't get interrupted for the zillionth time and have to scream down the hall at someone while you look at me wide eyed with a nipple in your mouth.  I think I appreciate all of my kids just a little bit more when I don't have them for a few hours.  I love being with my kids and hanging out with them and being a mommy.  I wouldn't change that for the world, but it's fun to let all of the kids leave while I have time for just you!

Thinking of you, I found a cute little "Thumper" toy at the store today.  It was so weird because I don't have a lot of money and don't go into the toy section normally just to "look".  There sitting on a clearance shelf, all by itself was a little baby toy Thumper the rabbit.  It was really odd because I've never actually seen a Thumper toy before and there were no others anywhere to be found.  Just the one.  I had to buy it for Christmas for  you.  I was thinking it was as unique as you.

Well I promised short and sweet.  So here we are several hours later. I could keep going but you have woken several times and daddy is here and I still have school info to fill out (dread) and I'm exhausted.  So maybe it wasn't so short and sweet after all.

NEW NAME ...

I think we've decided your new nickname will be Thumper.  Your poor little legs just thump and shake so hard.  I've never had a baby that does that before! I scoured the internet and apparently it's an okay thing...just something unique about you! Man, you are fussy tonight.  You and I both had a rough night last night.  I had a splitting headache from these stupid sinuses and nothing would take it away.  You didn't want to go into a deep sleep and you still haven't really slept well aside from cat napping all day.  Ugh! Thankfully daddy took the day off and actually helped me with you and the other kids for a while.  I won't tell you what they looked like going to school today.  Oh boy! Hair was interesting and everyone got up late, but it all worked out anyway.

Right now you are sleepy rocking with daddy as I try to write this out.  I feel anxious when I'm not holding you...like I'm being selfish, but I need to put my thoughts down...it's theraputic.  Tonight daddy got pretty upset at your brother Eddie.  He spilled his drink in his dinner again.  Again.  Yes, he knows better...he's almost three but gosh he's going through a lot of transitions he doesn't understand at all.  He usually keeps a sweet little smile about it too.  I love all of my kids equally but I have to admit that I have a special pocket where I keep my boys.  I felt bad for Eddie.  My heart dropped a little because you did something cute at the table and right after Eddie got into trouble and was crying, he looked down the table at you and smiled right along with the rest of the family.  Most kids would be jealous their younger brother was getting so much attention.  And whoa does he give you a LOT of attention.  He walked into the room today and said "where's baby?"  I said "I'm not going to tell you because you will wake him up!" I had to say that over and over because he was insisting on figuring out where you were.  I am having a hard time not sleeping with Eddie.  I love that kid so darn much.  I know it's not good when you are so small and he is such a bed hog, so I try to keep him out of our bed but I feel so bad because he's my boy too.

Today has been a hard adjustment type of day.  I am missing the whole pregnancy thing as I sit here and read about being pregnant.  The girls will half heartedly rub my blubbery tummy and say "Oh mom, I will still pamper you even if you aren't pregnant", but it's not the same of course.  Lauren was sweet today at kindergarten and asked daddy if he remembered to tell me that she said "love you mommy!" when I was at home in bed and he was dropping her off. That melted my heart.  I'm having a HARD TIME keeping up with the days the kids have had, finding out what homework, or parent night ect. I need to be at now and trying to stay on top of the stuff going on with a newborn and the household situations.  It's crazy overwhelming.

Grandma stopped by today. I was surprised by that.  I felt bad that my sister still didn't show up this last weekend.  I knew she wouldn't make it over.  I guess if it were the first time she had disappointed me I would feel differently.  It's hard to explain.  I'm not mad...maybe I've gotten to the point where I feel so hurt that she wasn't around in any facet during the pregnancy, for your birth and now after your birth that I loathe the idea of trying to make things work.  Again...I'm not angry but the hurt goes really deep and it's not really excusable.  I know if the shoe were on the other foot she would feel the same way about me not being there for her I guess.  Maybe I need to text my feelings to her.  I don't know if it would do any good.  She is who she is.  :(  I have a lot of hurt over family and their behavior period.  I know I've touched on this before so I won't beat a dead horse.

I keep wondering if I'm really tired tonight and that's why my mood is so low.  I got only a few hours of sleep and then had to take muscle relaxers for my headache.  Gosh, I hate the feeling that sometimes I wonder if that trap is there again.  I got another bottle of Tylenol 3 filled a week ago.  Of course my wrist was killing me and I've been using it for pain ...I've been in a lot of pain since your birth...either body aches from hell or my wrist or my head.  I have just not felt well at all.  My birthing pain seems to be almost non existant though.  Anyway, I've only been using it for pain but I was to the point of not using a lot at all during pregnancy and before pregnancy I felt like I was falling back into a trap that I was in at Burney Glen and using it a LOT and using it to change my moods because that little numb feeling was so overwhelmingly needed.  Anyway, I don't think that's what's going on.  Point is...I'm trying to get healthy and have goals and can't obtain them if I fall back into that trap, so I feel bummed when I have to use it like today.  Thank goodness that headache went away though!

I had a much better talk with your dad this last weekend.  I also told him to stop harrassing me about my desire for another baby later in life because right now it CAN'T happen (I won't have a cycle until breastfeeding almost stops) and when I start cycling again, we will revisit the subject.  Obviously right now my brain is being run over by hormones and I only know what the hormones say...not logic!I did have a good talk about my desire to live a more rural life too.  Him and I are on the same page! I can't describe what an overwhelming desire it is and why.  Maybe hormones again? I don't want to become complacent and give up on the idea though because we get busy and the hormones aren't there anymore.

I guess I'm in a serious mood tonight and blogging for therapy because I'm feeling funky.  If there's one thing I've learned it is not to take yourself too seriously when you have almost a baseball team of kids! Perhaps I'll stop here before I start singing bad country songs.  LOL!

ECT. ECT. ECT.

I just can't believe how busy life is.  I have so much I want to do and I want to do it right "damn" now! But my baby is little and life needs to slow down a bit.  I get anxiety because he is sleeping and I know he won't be my drowsy little baby for much longer and I will really "pay" for trying to keep this show running at the speed it's running right now.

I don't recall really...if I got good sleep last night.  I woke up feeling like a freight train hit me and fell asleep while it was just me and Eddie and the baby.  Poor Eddie was supposed to be reading me a book when I nodded off and I think I kept telling him "five more minutes baby".  I feel so bad for him because I'm a sucky mother to him right now.  No, really I am.  I have the older kids "stuff" and that's complex.  I have the middle kids stuff and oh my gosh, there is a lot of "stuff".  Homework for instance.  I had no idea how long that &$!*& would take with three of them in elementary school.  Bullshit I say when they mention "skill review". Ugh! Tonight my daughter was painting a tennis ball and we have already had a huge scrapbook page thingy and pages and pages of stuff they are supposed to be doing and learning and ....well, right now I'm trying to keep up but maybe soon I will just sign my life away without looking because the volume is hard to keep up with. 

Anyway, back to Eddie.  There is really not a lot I can do with him in two and a half hours time while we "wait" for Lauren.  A lot of time he sits here and listens to Mayson cry while I frantically run through the house trying to get it cleaned and trying to get a shower or maybe just slap on some makeup or even a bra would be nice.  And after Lauren gets home, we have to do errands and then the older middle kids get picked up and then it's homework and dinner and then it's time for a book and it's always an older kid book because they have to get it back to the school library.  ect. ect. ect.  Geeze!

Today I did take him and all of the kids on a walk.  The middle kids kept interrupting and it was really distracting because I was trying to connect with Camille.  Before the walk, I brought Mayson up to Eddies little face and said "I love you brother" and sweet little Edward just got a giggle and a sweet smile and was just the coolest kid ever.  Considering that boy is getting the short end of the stick right now, he sure is sweet to his brother.  Even if he does steal his blankets and pacifiers for himself.  sigh.  I try not to get on him too terribly much because in the grand scheme of things ...well you know. 

I am hoping it gets better as Mayson gets older and the boys can play a little together and Mayson is a little more rugged.

I really miss my husband.  This damn truck.  Never doing it again.  I am saying there are better ways to make money that we can BOTH work on.  He is just too tired when he gets home for this stuff.  It was different when he was working right next to where we lived or when he didn't have to be to work until 9am.  This is insane. I worry about his health if we keep this up.  Of course right now he makes too much for us to receive any type of assistance, which is fine and I love the idea of supporting our own family.  In fact, it's necessary.  But, it's hard to support a family of nine with one income.  We are buried right now.  I have a phone call coming in about the 10K "they" say we owe and I just can't imagine how this is all going to work out.  Seriously I will have to declare bankruptcy, which I can't do.  I don't know how things got this so screwed up.  Maybe my standards are out of whack? I mean, I don't "think" so? There are a lot of things we go without and a lot of ways I try to "save", but I just don't know why or how it got so bad.  I'm just hanging on to God right now.  There is no way for me to resolve it right now.  No way really at all.  So I will just trust in God that he will fix it all.  I have faith.  But come Friday...I might be shaken up. 

May sound like I'm complaining but really I'm not.  Things seem brutal right now with little time for relaxation or enjoyment for myself, but that's what is in the cards with lots of kids and a newborn.  I know that enough right now that it doesn't bother me...anymore.  I would say there was probably a day that I would throw a fit that I didn't get to enjoy "my" stuff, but maybe I've matured.  LOL.  I certainly hope so! I am so thankful for all that I have and wouldn't change one single thing! I love my kids and am thankful they are healthy! I love that my husband works so hard for our family (even if it does seem like we are drowning financially, he just keeps on going) I love that I have friends and family that support my feelings (even if they may not agree with them) and I am thankful that I know God and live for Him!

A NEW LIFE IN THE MAKING....

I have really not been enthusiastic with the weather this pregnancy.  I thought that by buying a swimming pool, it would help ease the horrid feelings that are associated with pregnancy and dramatic heat.  And when I say dramatic, I mean up to 111 degree’s this summer! Consistantly.  Man. A lot of stuff we normally have fun doing over summer break have been more difficult because with you as an instant insulator to begin with….I have been miserably hot and felt faintish.  My ankles are kankles and have even sent me to the ER a few times.  My blood pressure has been up and down with you…not ever really high, but kind of borderline.  I suspect that comes with nerves.  I don’t think I’ve dealt with this type of anxiety since I was pregnant with your sister Emma.  Still, most of our summer activities have been in the extreme heat.  I have been worried of course about how this affects you, but you still move and shake and get hiccups and seem to be just fine even though your mom has been miserable.  I plan on “laying in” after your birth, so I’m really trying to love up every last second with activities with your brothers and sisters for I know soon they will be saying “I’m bored”.  On one hand…thankfully they will be going back to school.  On another hand…ugh, they will be going back to school and routines and blah blah blah will all start again.  Currently we sleep in until 10am.  Of course you kick my butt several times a night to get up to pee and I am typing this at 2am as it is.  I suspect it will be 3am before I am asleep.  With that type of schedule, and you being here school will be dramatic at first! I expect many tears to be shed and most will probably come from MY own eyes.  Going back to school, having a new sibiling, it will all be such a transition and one that I think we are all expecting but also it’s difficult to imagine.  Again, I’m trying not to control the situation too much because if I do I know there is a danger that things will go different from my plan and I would be disappointed.  So, we might just “talk” about how things might go and go from there again with Whatever God’s Plan Is!

I wasn’t going to do “birth announcements” because I figured it would be a lot of work and I didn’t know how they would be received, but your father has talked me into the idea.  I am a HUGE camera fanatic…you will find this out! I can’t think of a better way to have fun with photo’s and announce you! I have a cute plan of getting some photo’s with you in a baseball glove.  I’m pretty excited with those.  I also have a cute little monster hat and monster blanket I had special made for you that I want to use in photographs.  I’ve thoroughly enjoyed pinteresting all of the cute baby photo’s and poses we could use.  I’m hoping to use daddy’s friend that is a photographer for your photo shoot. 

As I am in the last trimester and so excited that it really could be “any day” now, I feel like I might leave out a detail and I just want to revel in the last few days of this pregnancy.  Sure, there has been a lot of stuff that have happened over the last year in fact that have made me have to sort of push parts of the pregnancy aside, but there have also been fun times and good things that have occurred as well.  Growing you in my belly has been the highlight of this year for me.  I can’t think of anything more exciting than to have a new life and to have you nurse at my breasts and hold your sweet delicate skin and touch your tiny little feet. 

I’ve been seeing a chiropractor for the back and ligament pain I have been having.  That sciatic nerve is something else and it hurts on BOTH sides! At one point in my second trimester …I was about 17 weeks pregnant I thought I was having contractions and may be losing you because I had such bad back cramps.  I hated the way I was treated at the hospital.  They suggested it was just a pain and there was nothing they could do anyway until I was 20 weeks! Ugh! Thankfully a prenatal massage (heaven) and adjustments have been wonderful. 

Your brothers and sisters have been such a huge help during this pregnancy.  William at 13 years old has never made me mow the lawn.  I have trimmed once but not mowed since we moved.  I can’t tell you how much this helps me.  I don’t mind mowing once I am not pregnant, but with the heat and mobility issues, it has been so nice.  All of the kids have helped me to plant he garden.  I planted 21 strawberry plants this year (three for each of my children!) That was fun, but a lot of work for the kids, who didn’t complain once! Camille helped me plant part of the garden, wich was surprising because she is less of an “outdoorsy” type.  I Although she will cook me up just about anything I want to eat! Seriously, if I mention a craving she says “I can make that!”  and usually WILL.  I get a lot of muffins and homemade goodies on a pretty regular basis…Don’t ask her to do dishes afterwards though.  She will TRY but she is blind I think and oh my goodness….it’s not a good deal.  The meals are delicious though.  I can count some days that she has literally made breakfast, lunch and dinner! When your brother was going to baseball, she was making dinner almost every night! A girl could get used to that! Emma is always a little distant, but she has been sweet in rubbing my feet with lotion and taking a lot of interest in the baby.  I was showing her weekly pictures on the internet of what you should look like.  Eventually that trailed off because you simply will look like a baby now! But she has been very interested.  She wants to be at the birth.  I have mixed feelings on that.  I think she can handle it but I don’t know how long labour will last, so it concerns me also.  Morgen has been sweet at ever with brushing my hair and endlessly rubbing my belly.  Lauren has even been known to rub my belly with lotion! Eddie just likes to talk to you through my belly button.  He keeps saying “I’m getting bigger and baby is getting bigger too!” Isn’t THAT the truth! I think he comprehends what is going to happen….I don’t think he can imagine how it will affect him just yet.  Such as us having to kick him out of our bed.  But I think he understands a real live baby will be coming soon! When we asked him what he wanted to “give” to the baby (and this was at the beginning of the second trimester) he said “My weiner”.  Oh my gosh.  I would ask him if it was a baby boy or a baby girl and he was very matter of fact and never deviated from saying “baby boy, or baby brother”.  It was the weirdest thing.  I tend to think you both will have a bond that has already begun, even while you are in my womb.  Your older brother has been really patient with me.  He knows how fragile I am with my emotions and he really tries to be understanding.  We still have arguments that make me blow my fuse occasionally, but for the most part, I have really loved how well he has treated me.  He painted my toenails for me the other night and I happen to know he really really didn’t want to! Ha ha.  It will be interesting to see who is at the birth.  I have opened it up to the three older kids.  Camille doesn’t seem as interested, but William and Emma may be depending on the time and duration.  William really does have a soft heart when you get down to the bottom of him.  I am hoping someone will be there to take video of the event.  I hope your daddy will be free to help me with the labor while someone else takes video. 

SHARING SUMMERTIME GOODNESS AS A FAMILY

BABY'S GROW BIG WITH MARSHMALLOWS

THE GOOD PARTS OF SUMMER

ABOUT 33 WEEKS!

PREGNANCY RAMBLINGS

If you don’t believe how excited I am, you should see your wardrobe so far.  I keep hoping you will come soon because I keep buying you more and more clothes.  I’ve been told “shame on you” because I should have clothes from Eddie.  I have put those clothes into rotation for you.  Even some from Emma and William (a little unisex GAP outfit) but like I’ve told dad…you need your own stuff too.  You don’t have to have total hand-me-downs.  I’m super picky too! Oh my..I typically don’t buy anything with animals on it.  Too icky cutesy. I have bought you a few frog items and I think one monkey item, but most of your stuff is football or basketball.  Tonight I found a skeleton newborn sleeper and got so impressed that I will have a newborn for Halloween! We bought a green and white striped onsie with green pants and a frog cap for your going home outfit.  I’m getting worried if you stay inside too much longer you won’t get to wear all of the summer outfits I bought you.  I thought you would be here sooner than now (at almost 37 weeks) I wouldn’t mind being 38 weeks with you though.  I dunno about going further than that…I’m afraid you could get too big! I thought that about Edward too though.  I’m sure you will be just fine and get to wear all of those cute newborn items I picked out.  Which …there is a LOT!

I started preparing the room and the contents as well as your crib and bouncy ect. at about 32 weeks.  I knew that if I waited too late that if I had to go on bedrest or something it would become tricky anyway.  I couldn’t trust daddy or someone else to prepare for you! So here I’ve been ready for months now.  I also packed the “hospital” bag at about 34 weeks.  I keep finding things to take.  Like last night I decided that lavendar oil might help me in delivery to be calmer.  When I was having contractions it seemed to help anyway….so I put that on top.  I hate taking too much because you have to bring it all home and put it all away! I learned that tip and trick when I was pg with your sister Camille! The most important items not to forget are the video camera, camera, and your baby book.  The baby book is perfect for your footprints.  I have to have them! And the camera and video camera are important in documenting your birth! I don’t know if you will want to watch your birth when you are older, but I think it’s amazing to watch.  I learned that one from your sister Emma! Emma is the only sibiling that you have that doesn’t have a birth video.  She was coming too fast and she was three weeks early so I wasn’t prepared.  I feel sad that I don’t have a birth video of her now because we watch the video’s frequently on birthdays.  I hope you aren’t speedy speedy and that we at least capture the birth on film.

I keep having a dream that you will be born at home or in the car or something awful like that! I don’t know which is worse…to sit in that hospital room and feel nervous and anxious and concede to an epidural or to think that I could have you in the car! I don’t like either scenerio honestly, but the plan is to stay away from the hospital as long as possible so that I don’t have an epidural.  I think it’s healthier for you and I both.  We will see though.  I may decide different when the time comes! In fact, as I sit here and think about it, I realize that just like in most pregnancies I am completely unaware of how this will all “go”, and there are many different routes labor and delivery can take and most of those routes are really out of my control.  That’s hefty for me to admit…that something may not be in my control…This is where I lean on God-our Heavenly Father and His plan for me and for you.  I know He has plans not to harm us but for us to prosper, so I can only believe that everything will turn out as it should.  Considering becoming pregnant with you was a leap of faith to begin with.  I had so many problems with your brother, Edwards delivery that I seriously sighed so bodly that I was DONE and was so glad that I wasn’t pregnant anymore after his birth…and yet here I am again! I’m okay with that though because I don’t feel like it is “destined” to be difficult.  I trust in God and just hope that he guides me through whatever we have to go through to get you to earth safely!

My biggest craving this pregnancy has been watermelon, cherries and anything sweet! So much so that we thought you were a girl just because of the cravings! I have also been known to throw back a donut, cherry pie, cheesecake, snowcone, ice cream, soda and other lucious items like that! I craved much different items when I was pregnant with the other kids.  Your sibilings have said that they love to go to the store with me because they can talk me into buying sweet treats so easily simply because I’m pregnant and craving sweets! I sure hope this means you will be a sweet little boy! Or…you will be a BIG boy! Ha ha…I was eating gluten free before I became pregnant with you, but that had to change until I became more accustomed to morning sickness.  I found that during my second trimester gluten didn’t seem to affect me as much as normally.  I will be gluten free again after you are born more than likely.  I feel a little bad because I feel like I certainly could have eaten better during this pregnancy.  Not having gained too terribly much weight is a good sign, and I am not eating chili cheese dogs every day like I did in my very last pregnancy (yes, really!) but I have been a tad bit of a garbage disposal since the middle of pregnancy.  I tried very hard in the first half of pregnancy to drink less soda and eat less sugars, but that sorta started to go out the window (as I sit here looking at my glass of Pepsi and bowl of Dorito’s chips).  I don’t understand women that don’t have pregnancy cravings because that is how my body functions is one craving to the next! Don’t get me wrong though, I try very hard to make sure a lot of our food is “cleaner” and healthier but I can see where I have gotten off track somewhat.  If I have the choice to pay more for less of say HFCS, then I will…and I try to do whole grains with tons of fiber.  I love Kashi Berry Fruitful cereal and it has been a constant craving for me.  I try to eat non-GMO foods and tons of fresh fruits and veggies.  In fact we have a pretty impressive garden this year.  I will admit that since planting it on Mother’s Day (with the help of your sibilings) I have been neglecting it to a certain extent.  Well…more than usual anyway.  But we continue to pull zuchini and cucumbers and anticipate the first of heirloom tomato’s to ripen! I love gardening and probably always will.  I can’t wait until I have my grand-children next to me to get excited over my “pumpkin farm”.  

EXPECTING YOU

My belly is always a source of conversation.  I have had ONE …I repeat ONE comment that I didn’t look all that big.  Ha! Some days I think I feel huge and others I look and think it’s just a healthy growing baby boy! I believe since I have a longer “torso” it makes me look bigger. I see a counselor weekly and she always says how HUGE I am! Awesome.  Ha ha.  I think you will be fairly average in size, even though my OB said at my 34 week visit you would be very big.  Yes, I think I broke down in tears that day.  I can’t even explain how I felt like I couldn’t keep going with the pregnancy.  This was a few days after my feet swelled so humungously and quickly that I had to have dad come “rescue” me from a Costco shopping trip! Oh how embarrassing.  It was even worse that I couldn’t walk for a little while after.  When I suddenly realized I had to go to the bathroom, I asked dad to help me get there.  There was no other way than for him to slide me to the bathroom on a chair.  Of course he didn’t miss any of the walls either! I believe someone tried to take a picture.  It certainly wasn’t funny, but I’m sure it was funny to them at the time.  One day I will look back and chuckle.  I had to let dad make dinner while I rested on the couch.  That was torture! I am such a “do-er”  Like today…oh my…today was  a super nesting, super clean day.  I even started tackling the dreaded “sock bucket”, which I doubt I’ve touched since January.  Ha ha.  You will come to know me as a patient mother, but also as a mommy that runs a tight ship.  I really need order in the house.  Even though I have seven children…crazy thought huh! I hope the yin and yang balance each other out.  I usually keep my cool and don’t sweat the small stuff that other people would break down and melt over, but then the little details …well, I get hung up on them.  It’s the way I am.  It’s how I wam wired.  Your uncle Andy and your Poppy are/were the same way. 

Speaking of which, I am really hoping to have a name for you soon.  I had thought of naming you Garrett, but daddy really didn’t like that name at all.  I guess my first thought was Lennon.  After John Lennon.  Just because I believe you will be calm and loving and peaceful.  (Hoping I’m right!) I don’t know how Lennon sounds with the other kids names though and a few people have suggested I call you Lemon.  Lame huh? So I came up with Mayson Annthony.  Mayson after my dearly departed grandmother Virginia May Hanway/Shepard and Annthony after daddies sweet departed mother Ann Marie Hunter.  Dad suggested Hunter but I really don’t like that name either.  Dad thinks Annthony sounds black.  Ha ha.  So if you are reading this and that is your middle name, you will know mom got her vote and perhaps people think of you as a black boy.  Geeze! If I truly had my way I would name you something like Milan or something ultra fabulous but probably a little on the feminine side.  I think this name is a great comprimise but I don’t think dad feels that way.  I understand how he feels in that he needs to “see” you and also find the “perfect” and I do mean perfect name.  I had a girls name picked out way before hand so it figures you are a boy.  LOL!

Although finding out you were a boy was a real kick in the pants.  I figured there was no way I could get lucky enough to have another boy again.  I thought your brother Eddie was a “fluke” as it was.  When we found out you were going to be a boy, your sister Emma told all of the kids in school that we were having a boy.  Most of the girls in her class said, “oh no, now you will have TWO little brothers and you know what THAT means!”  Emma looked confused and said “noo….”.  They all said “double trouble!” Ha ha …well, at first I’m sure I will agree.  Two young boys have a lot of energy! Nothing I can’t handle though.  We have Lauren and she is enough for all of us to handle as it is!

I did have several dreams that you were a boy.  I had one dream that I saw BOY written all over the clipboard at the dr.’s office.  I had a little bit of a sneaking suspicion that you could be a boy. No symptoms that were similar or not similar though.  In fact I did all kinds of chinese gender charts and old wives tale charts and they ALL said GIRL.  I have to laugh because like I said I just didn’t know that I wanted to believe you could actually be a boy.  I didn’t want to be disappointed because I would be happy either way.  Truly.  But another little boy….aw, it was just something that I dreamed about.  Literally.  I can’t tell you even how I felt about it.  Not caring but yet- well, if I had a preference….

When they did the ultrasound with your brother and turned it on to 3D ultrasound I had a very strong inclination that he was a boy by the facial features.  I was kind of hoping to tell that way with your ultrasound.  But…no…it didn’t happen.  I got a very standard ultrasound with no 3D technology.  I was so happy you seemed to be measuring well and seemed to have all of your parts and no area’s of concern.  That was my biggest fear honestly! Seeing you wiggle all around inside of me was so cute.  I still wasn’t feeling regular kicks and pokes and prods at that point, so seeing the kicks and cute little things you were doing inside of me was precious.  But dad and I were disappointed that we didn’t get the better ultrasound.  I was thinking of paying for a special one to do 3D but then I wondered how much I wanted to know about your features before your birth.  I did want to leave a little to suspense also.  I love day-dreaming of what you will look like and I worried that if I went too far…I might not have anything to motivate me on delivery day! So we didn’t get a three dimensional ultrasound.  But at my next doctors appointment the doctor was runnning very very late. I was already upset because I had to go all the way downtown for the appointment and it was a very short and rushed appointment.  The doctor didn’t even measure me.  I was about 28 weeks at that point.  I don’t mind waiting but I hate that I was so rushed.  Still, I didn’t complain but I thought about never going back in again! The doctor actually said I got a free picture for being so patient and waiting, so he turned on the ultrasound machine and gave me some 3D photo’s of you.  My heart grew and grew at that point! I can’t tell you WHAT the smile on my face looked like, only that I know it was there for a very long time! I could see the features on your face and honestly you looked a little like your older brother.  I fell in love with you all over again.  The bonding experience those pictures gave to me were priceless! And thankfully, I got the ultrasound photo’s AFTER we knew your gender.  And yes, the doctor checked again and declared you were still a BOY! What a wonderful appointment after all!

I didn’t know when I would get to know your gender though.  First off I didn’t get the ultrasound until about 22ish weeks.  We had planned on a gender party in your honor where we revealed your gender to family and friends and ourselves all at once.  A very popular thing to do I guess these days.  I thought it would be the perfect way to celebrate you and my pregnancy without asking for “gifts” like in a baby shower.  Not that I’m OPPOSED to gifts…just that I wanted there to be little pressure.  We had to plan the party for the weekend because we thought more people could be off from work to come to it during the weekend.  But then something terrible happened and the day we had your ultrasounds (your daddy fell asleep in the ultrasound room and Emma had to KICK him to get him to wake up! I was so mad!) Your daddy at church with the kids while I did my usual relax (aka-catch up on things that need done) night.  And he called to tell me your grandma Ann Marie was found in her nursing home and was unresponsive.  My heart did a little panick.  I knew things didn’t sound good.  Daddy prayed for the best possible outcome while he was at church that night.  He had a lot of support from church members thankfully.  And then the call came that his mother had passed away.  I was so deeply hurt for your father.  I knew how much your grandmother meant to him and how much a mother means to a child (even a grown child).  I didn’t understand how such a happy day at the ultrasound, and finding out you were healthy could turn into such a horrible day with such tragic news.  Your grandmother had been ill for a while.  She was nearly only 70 years old when she passed away.  She lived a very interesting life and raised five children.  It was a bittersweet type of day for sure.  The funeral was scheduled for that weekend and I knew immediately even if it hadn’t been scheduled for that weekend that we wouldn’t have the gender party that weekend.  How could we go on with “life” as normal and try to smile through our pain?  I put the reveal party out a few weeks.  Daddy said I didn’t have to…it was even a little soon to do it then.  It was just killing some of your sibilings not to know your gender.  But, we needed to grieve first and foremost.  So by the time we found out your gender I was probably 25 weeks and got asked OFTEN what you were and when I said I didn’t know people thought I was “crazy” for not having found out yet.  Ha ha ha

The gender party went well.  It was starting to warm up and we hosted it at Settler’s Park.  We had pink and blue food items and things that were “baby” sized.  The kids had so much fun decorating a box that would contain either a blue or pink boquet of balloons dependant upon your gender.  We had “little smokies, baby burgers, pink and blue punch, strawberries and blueberries….it was so much fun! Oh and not to forget pink and blue cupcakes.  Those were devoured.  Guests wore pink or blue lei’s depending on what they thought the baby would be.  Most wore pink! I wore blue (for the record).  When dad and I prepared to open the box, I could see a little bit of pink through the hole in the top of the box.  I have to admit I wasn’t trying to peek, but it was noticable.  I felt a wave of disappointment run through me and then guilt.  I had been rather sure in my heart- maybe not yet my mind-that you were a boy! We opened the box and out floated pink balloons.  Everyone cheered and then a little tiny blue balloon trailed alongside the pink balloons.  I thought “what in the world?”  Apparently Pam and Gary had tried to load the box so that the pink and blue would float out together and he would say “there goes the pink balloons meaning there goes your chance of having a girl”.  But the trick didn’t exactly go that way and I stood there saying “what in the world does this mean?!”  Pam was disappointed it didn’t work and felt awful about the situation.  I kept wondering if it meant I was having TWINS! **faint!*** No, it finally registered….I WAS HAVING A BOY!!! Yahoooo! I screamed so loud that the kids were actually holding their ears.  It was a scream of excitement and joy! I don’t know if I acted inappropriately, ha ha  but I was so excited. And …well, I still am!

ABOUT 34 WEEKS!

IT'S A GIRL!!!

NO...IT'S A BOY!!

EVERYONE PATIENTLY AWAITING THE REVEAL

THOUGHTS TO MY BABY BOY....

Hi there my sweet, precious, baby boy! Mama is almost “full-term” with you.  I am so excited, nervous and in awe at the process of having you grow in my heart and soon grow in my arms.  The pregnancy has been such a blessing.  I’m 38 now and never thought I would have more than three children and have more children after 30!  I never thougth about having a “large” family but you now have six sibilings waiting for you to arrive.  Oh and I cannot tell you how excited they are! Throughout this pregnancy, they have talked to my belly, kissed my belly, rubbed about ten tubs of lotion on “the baby”….I can tell you that they love you even before they have met you.  So…that means as you get older and they start to pick on you or blame you for something that THEY did, just remember that they always have and always will love you to pieces.

I’m not really sure how I’m feeling right now.  This is so bittersweet.  I know this process usually ends AND begins very very soon.  After all of the discomfort and pain and worrisome thoughts on your health and my own-things usually turn out well with a little bundle of joy (and sometimes lungs) in my arms! But I know too well, there will be more tears.  I know how it feels to miss you from the inside of me.  Not to have you to hold all to myself.  Yes, I’m selfish…if I weren’t so uncomfortable I wouldn’t want to share you with the world.  And truthfully I don’t think I really enjoy the “pain” part of labor either.  Ha ha …although with soon to be seven kids you wouldn’t THINK I mind the pain part.  Ah, I know it is sooo worthwhile.  It just takes some convincing to wrap my brain around it sometimes. 

This pregnancy comes to bless our family after several early losses.  While I stick my hand to my belly and feel a little foot prying out of my tummy I realize that all of the heartache I endured beforehand is worthy of now getting to feel you move and grow and seeing milestone after milestone in my pregnancy.  A little over a year ago I had an incident with my heart that scared the bejeepers out of me.  I was in a deep and dark place at that point.  I can remember last year at this time I was on my way into a concert and had to pack three or four bottles of medication with me because I was terribly afraid I would have another “attack”.  I couldn’t imagine being in this place at this time.  I just can’t believe how GOOD GOD is for blessing our family in this way! I can’t tell you how thankful I am for you because there really are no words.  I just hope I can live up to all of the demands of being a goody mommy to you because you are so worthy.  I have to believe God never let me go through the heartache that I have for no reason.  I believe He was preparing my heart and soul to be a grateful and thankful mother.  I realize how much I appreciate you and will never take you forgranted. 

This pregnancy has been an emotional one.  I would say the last trimester my temper has been running very hot and emotionally charged.  Along with a lot of crying…sometimes for no real reason! I hope that when you are born, you will be more patient and accepting than mommy has been.  I’ve been riddled with a lot of anxiety too.  Not sure where that is coming from.  An influx of hormones probably?  I’m hoping after you are born there is a reprive in my symptoms because I really want to take care of you to my fullest extent.  The first trimester wasn’t too terribly bad morning sickness wise.  I guess I can say that now that I am not in the thick of it anymore.  I had the most horrid gas pains all. Of. The. Time. I didn’t realize until later that it was par for the course with the progesterone.  GasX was my best friend.  Ha ha.  And I was terribly emotional in the first trimester too.  I remember at a movie, I had to run from the theater during a particularly gross part of the movie.  It was bad enough I felt awful, and on the way home made daddy pull off to the side of the road several times.  But then dad was not being as supportive as I thought he should be so I started crying uncontrollably.  I think your brothers and sisters started wondering if I were pregnant at that moment.  Other highlights of the first trimester were back pain, and cramping.  We had wanted to tell your brothers and sisters you were on your way much sooner than we did at about 15 weeks, but it wasn’t in the cards.  We had planned to tell them on Valentines Day but a horrible scare occurred at their school and we were all emotionally spent that day.  So we had to wait for a more perfect day to tell them.  This was after mom and dad went to the doctor and he declared a nice healthy looking bean was growing in my tummy! I got to see you on an ultrasound and thought you looked like a big long string bean …one with a beating heart!! Woohoo! I also had genetic testing done knowing full well that it wouldn’t change my mind about how I felt about you and found out that you had all the correct number of chromosomes.  That was a relief to my mind and heart. 

Mom had picked out baby and pregnancy related items from the dollar store.  I picked out a nursery rhyme book, earplugs (for crying relief), a baby bottle, pickles, sardines (for those crazy cravings) and Tylenol (again for crying relief).  We told your sibilings that we had an extra Valentine’s surprise to give them several days after Valentines.  We gave them all of these items and to tell you the truth they thought we had lost our minds! They politely said “thank you”, but I could tell that they were mistified about WHY in the world they got those items and there was an inkling of disappointment attached also.  After about a half hour and daddy actually starting to fall asleep, your big sister Emma guessed “wait, could it be that all of these things mean you are pregnant?” The jig was up and we told the kids that this was what we were trying to communicate.  It totally didn’t sink in for some of your brothers and sisters.  Your oldest brother said he was happy but wanted another brother….really wanted a brother.  Emma seemed most excited.  Morgen was excited but in disbelief.  She was sweet as usual.  Lauren and Edward seemed indifferent.  I don’t think it mattered one way or the other to them.  Ha ha …as it shouldn’t at their age of 5 and 2.

That was the start of my second trimester.  We struggled with a way to tell our family and daddy’s work with how happy and excited we were.  We weren’t sure how the news would be received.  We finally baked up a huge batch of pink and blue baby feet and iced them.  We sent a text saying that we hoped for one or the other in August and then daddy took the baby feet to work.  To my surprise many of the responses were very positive that I was pregnant with you.  Daddy’s work seemed very positive that you were coming into our lives.  By that point I was feeling better with the morning sickness, which was a huge relief.  In fact my hunger really picked up.  I believe I gained seven pounds in one month with you! At this point in the pregnancy I have gained officially 31 lbs.  I haven’t really gained anything this month which is really strange since I can tell you have grown a whole bunch in the last month!