I think we've decided your new nickname will be Thumper. Your poor little legs just thump and shake so hard. I've never had a baby that does that before! I scoured the internet and apparently it's an okay thing...just something unique about you! Man, you are fussy tonight. You and I both had a rough night last night. I had a splitting headache from these stupid sinuses and nothing would take it away. You didn't want to go into a deep sleep and you still haven't really slept well aside from cat napping all day. Ugh! Thankfully daddy took the day off and actually helped me with you and the other kids for a while. I won't tell you what they looked like going to school today. Oh boy! Hair was interesting and everyone got up late, but it all worked out anyway.
Right now you are sleepy rocking with daddy as I try to write this out. I feel anxious when I'm not holding you...like I'm being selfish, but I need to put my thoughts down...it's theraputic. Tonight daddy got pretty upset at your brother Eddie. He spilled his drink in his dinner again. Again. Yes, he knows better...he's almost three but gosh he's going through a lot of transitions he doesn't understand at all. He usually keeps a sweet little smile about it too. I love all of my kids equally but I have to admit that I have a special pocket where I keep my boys. I felt bad for Eddie. My heart dropped a little because you did something cute at the table and right after Eddie got into trouble and was crying, he looked down the table at you and smiled right along with the rest of the family. Most kids would be jealous their younger brother was getting so much attention. And whoa does he give you a LOT of attention. He walked into the room today and said "where's baby?" I said "I'm not going to tell you because you will wake him up!" I had to say that over and over because he was insisting on figuring out where you were. I am having a hard time not sleeping with Eddie. I love that kid so darn much. I know it's not good when you are so small and he is such a bed hog, so I try to keep him out of our bed but I feel so bad because he's my boy too.
Today has been a hard adjustment type of day. I am missing the whole pregnancy thing as I sit here and read about being pregnant. The girls will half heartedly rub my blubbery tummy and say "Oh mom, I will still pamper you even if you aren't pregnant", but it's not the same of course. Lauren was sweet today at kindergarten and asked daddy if he remembered to tell me that she said "love you mommy!" when I was at home in bed and he was dropping her off. That melted my heart. I'm having a HARD TIME keeping up with the days the kids have had, finding out what homework, or parent night ect. I need to be at now and trying to stay on top of the stuff going on with a newborn and the household situations. It's crazy overwhelming.
Grandma stopped by today. I was surprised by that. I felt bad that my sister still didn't show up this last weekend. I knew she wouldn't make it over. I guess if it were the first time she had disappointed me I would feel differently. It's hard to explain. I'm not mad...maybe I've gotten to the point where I feel so hurt that she wasn't around in any facet during the pregnancy, for your birth and now after your birth that I loathe the idea of trying to make things work. Again...I'm not angry but the hurt goes really deep and it's not really excusable. I know if the shoe were on the other foot she would feel the same way about me not being there for her I guess. Maybe I need to text my feelings to her. I don't know if it would do any good. She is who she is. :( I have a lot of hurt over family and their behavior period. I know I've touched on this before so I won't beat a dead horse.
I keep wondering if I'm really tired tonight and that's why my mood is so low. I got only a few hours of sleep and then had to take muscle relaxers for my headache. Gosh, I hate the feeling that sometimes I wonder if that trap is there again. I got another bottle of Tylenol 3 filled a week ago. Of course my wrist was killing me and I've been using it for pain ...I've been in a lot of pain since your birth...either body aches from hell or my wrist or my head. I have just not felt well at all. My birthing pain seems to be almost non existant though. Anyway, I've only been using it for pain but I was to the point of not using a lot at all during pregnancy and before pregnancy I felt like I was falling back into a trap that I was in at Burney Glen and using it a LOT and using it to change my moods because that little numb feeling was so overwhelmingly needed. Anyway, I don't think that's what's going on. Point is...I'm trying to get healthy and have goals and can't obtain them if I fall back into that trap, so I feel bummed when I have to use it like today. Thank goodness that headache went away though!
I had a much better talk with your dad this last weekend. I also told him to stop harrassing me about my desire for another baby later in life because right now it CAN'T happen (I won't have a cycle until breastfeeding almost stops) and when I start cycling again, we will revisit the subject. Obviously right now my brain is being run over by hormones and I only know what the hormones say...not logic!I did have a good talk about my desire to live a more rural life too. Him and I are on the same page! I can't describe what an overwhelming desire it is and why. Maybe hormones again? I don't want to become complacent and give up on the idea though because we get busy and the hormones aren't there anymore.
I guess I'm in a serious mood tonight and blogging for therapy because I'm feeling funky. If there's one thing I've learned it is not to take yourself too seriously when you have almost a baseball team of kids! Perhaps I'll stop here before I start singing bad country songs. LOL!
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