I just can't believe how busy life is. I have so much I want to do and I want to do it right "damn" now! But my baby is little and life needs to slow down a bit. I get anxiety because he is sleeping and I know he won't be my drowsy little baby for much longer and I will really "pay" for trying to keep this show running at the speed it's running right now.
I don't recall really...if I got good sleep last night. I woke up feeling like a freight train hit me and fell asleep while it was just me and Eddie and the baby. Poor Eddie was supposed to be reading me a book when I nodded off and I think I kept telling him "five more minutes baby". I feel so bad for him because I'm a sucky mother to him right now. No, really I am. I have the older kids "stuff" and that's complex. I have the middle kids stuff and oh my gosh, there is a lot of "stuff". Homework for instance. I had no idea how long that &$!*& would take with three of them in elementary school. Bullshit I say when they mention "skill review". Ugh! Tonight my daughter was painting a tennis ball and we have already had a huge scrapbook page thingy and pages and pages of stuff they are supposed to be doing and learning and ....well, right now I'm trying to keep up but maybe soon I will just sign my life away without looking because the volume is hard to keep up with.
Anyway, back to Eddie. There is really not a lot I can do with him in two and a half hours time while we "wait" for Lauren. A lot of time he sits here and listens to Mayson cry while I frantically run through the house trying to get it cleaned and trying to get a shower or maybe just slap on some makeup or even a bra would be nice. And after Lauren gets home, we have to do errands and then the older middle kids get picked up and then it's homework and dinner and then it's time for a book and it's always an older kid book because they have to get it back to the school library. ect. ect. ect. Geeze!
Today I did take him and all of the kids on a walk. The middle kids kept interrupting and it was really distracting because I was trying to connect with Camille. Before the walk, I brought Mayson up to Eddies little face and said "I love you brother" and sweet little Edward just got a giggle and a sweet smile and was just the coolest kid ever. Considering that boy is getting the short end of the stick right now, he sure is sweet to his brother. Even if he does steal his blankets and pacifiers for himself. sigh. I try not to get on him too terribly much because in the grand scheme of things ...well you know.
I am hoping it gets better as Mayson gets older and the boys can play a little together and Mayson is a little more rugged.
I really miss my husband. This damn truck. Never doing it again. I am saying there are better ways to make money that we can BOTH work on. He is just too tired when he gets home for this stuff. It was different when he was working right next to where we lived or when he didn't have to be to work until 9am. This is insane. I worry about his health if we keep this up. Of course right now he makes too much for us to receive any type of assistance, which is fine and I love the idea of supporting our own family. In fact, it's necessary. But, it's hard to support a family of nine with one income. We are buried right now. I have a phone call coming in about the 10K "they" say we owe and I just can't imagine how this is all going to work out. Seriously I will have to declare bankruptcy, which I can't do. I don't know how things got this so screwed up. Maybe my standards are out of whack? I mean, I don't "think" so? There are a lot of things we go without and a lot of ways I try to "save", but I just don't know why or how it got so bad. I'm just hanging on to God right now. There is no way for me to resolve it right now. No way really at all. So I will just trust in God that he will fix it all. I have faith. But come Friday...I might be shaken up.
May sound like I'm complaining but really I'm not. Things seem brutal right now with little time for relaxation or enjoyment for myself, but that's what is in the cards with lots of kids and a newborn. I know that enough right now that it doesn't bother me...anymore. I would say there was probably a day that I would throw a fit that I didn't get to enjoy "my" stuff, but maybe I've matured. LOL. I certainly hope so! I am so thankful for all that I have and wouldn't change one single thing! I love my kids and am thankful they are healthy! I love that my husband works so hard for our family (even if it does seem like we are drowning financially, he just keeps on going) I love that I have friends and family that support my feelings (even if they may not agree with them) and I am thankful that I know God and live for Him!
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