Friday, December 27, 2013
THEY SAY IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY!!!
Yes, yes it is. Why do I decide to even try to write this post because I'm in a really grouchy mood just by the order of the fact that my stupid birthday lands two days after Christmas and that is already pretty much a recipe for disappointment. Yes, I still feel like crud. I feel like I have this big ass gas bubble that is ready to explode out of my ass at any moment. My kids are really unmotivated. They want to sit in their rooms and watch their new televisions we got them for Christmas. I mean, I guess I'm happy they love their televisions and tablets...but there is going to be some limits set on all of this stuff. My darling Camille is sweet as ever and begging me to try to make the most of the day. Of course there will be no cake, because there is no oven to bake it in. I was thinking of going out to the movies but Chad has his work cut out for him as far as I'm concerned with fixing all the crap that went wrong at Christmas (broken toys, doors, ect--I won't even go into detail about that). And of course I still feel ick. So, I'm doing my best to ignore the fact that it's my birthday because I always get this kind of lump in my throat because it is always so disappointing. I know I am a grown adult and it really shouldn't matter. And truly I don't need a fuss. But...all I asked for this year was a little time to put together a video montage and lemon cake with homemade enchilada's. My husband asked why I hadn't started making them yet. ??? Ugh really? I have to resist the urge to just kick his ass because he puts absolutely zip zero zilch into doing anything nice for me. So I have to pretend like it doesn't bother me. But it does. Every year it gets to me. I wish I could say that we could do something this weekend but we are already booked with other obligations. Oh well...I guess it's better to pretend like I'm not getting older anyway.
IT'S BEGINING TO LOOK A LOT LIKE CHRISTMAS...
Oh yes, EVERYWHERE you go. People are so rude and a zillion cars jamming up traffic. Please remind me the next time I decide to run out on December 23rd for a few "quick errands" with five of my youngest kids ....please just slap me silly. Hang me by my toenails and let me die a slow painful death because that would be far preferable to what I experienced. My dear sweet little Edward had this notion that if he were to throw the biggest fits of his life in the store, that possibly I wouldn't discipline him in front of everyone. And when I did, I do believe the fit got bigger and badder. I can' tell you how many times I heard, "wow, do you ever have your hands full". Why yes, yes, I do. So if you see that my hands are full, you COULD help! But that's okay. I will survive. I got the tasks accomplished and only had to take one valium and drink maybe one glass of wine. Or two. Three tops.
I had been up night after night wrapping gifts and preparing for the holiday's. I told my loving hubby that it felt like "Chinese torture" to be up so late night and night again. I also had lovely thrush. Probably brought on be a really crappy diet of mostly Christmas cookies and soda to stay awake. That is indulgence at it's best/worse. When candlelight Christmas Eve services came at church, I felt like it was actually a nice distraction. Even though I did miss my ten year old being the candle lighter. Ugh. I saw a very pregnant friend at church and she told me she was dilated to 5cm and ready to go into labor! Is it weird that I felt a little jealous? No, not really of the pain that she was about to go through, but just the excitement and anticipation of it all. As if I needed that on top of everything I already had on my plate. Ha! The music was nice...even if it was a little mostly for the older generation of the church. I love our church. I'm not in love love with the worship. Still, it was a nice distraction and reminded me of what our purpose was truly in celebrating Christmas.
I had myself fooled. I thought I would make it to bed before 5am on the eve of Christmas but that did not occur...again. I woke up the next morning with the strangest burps. They were the egg burps that you get when you get to visit the porcelain god. I kept trying to tell myself that I was not getting sick and it was completely the popcorn I 'd eaten the day before. Oooof course it was. I ended the evening indeed worshiping the porcelain god in all of my glory. Lovely. Months of trying to make Christmas a magical day for my children and it all came down to "that". Tired, feverish, and just feeling absolutely rotten...Christmas was anything but magical for me. I hope that the kids still had a good day despite the fact that I wasn't able to be much of a mommy. I woke the next morning and thought Helter Skelter had happened to the house. Alas, it pretty much had. It was completely over the top ready for an episode of Hoarders. And I do not believe anybody had any motivation to do anything about it. We've also been eating some interesting dinners lately as on Christmas eve, a fire sparked in my oven and my sweet daughter thought that the best way to handle it would be to throw water on it Sooooo...the heating element in the oven is no longer working. It's interesting to realize how much you really do depend on the oven even in this day of microwaves. But the fact that we have food in our bellies...even if our bellies are feeling less than stellar....is probably the more important factor here. Ahhhh....the holidays....
I had been up night after night wrapping gifts and preparing for the holiday's. I told my loving hubby that it felt like "Chinese torture" to be up so late night and night again. I also had lovely thrush. Probably brought on be a really crappy diet of mostly Christmas cookies and soda to stay awake. That is indulgence at it's best/worse. When candlelight Christmas Eve services came at church, I felt like it was actually a nice distraction. Even though I did miss my ten year old being the candle lighter. Ugh. I saw a very pregnant friend at church and she told me she was dilated to 5cm and ready to go into labor! Is it weird that I felt a little jealous? No, not really of the pain that she was about to go through, but just the excitement and anticipation of it all. As if I needed that on top of everything I already had on my plate. Ha! The music was nice...even if it was a little mostly for the older generation of the church. I love our church. I'm not in love love with the worship. Still, it was a nice distraction and reminded me of what our purpose was truly in celebrating Christmas.
I had myself fooled. I thought I would make it to bed before 5am on the eve of Christmas but that did not occur...again. I woke up the next morning with the strangest burps. They were the egg burps that you get when you get to visit the porcelain god. I kept trying to tell myself that I was not getting sick and it was completely the popcorn I 'd eaten the day before. Oooof course it was. I ended the evening indeed worshiping the porcelain god in all of my glory. Lovely. Months of trying to make Christmas a magical day for my children and it all came down to "that". Tired, feverish, and just feeling absolutely rotten...Christmas was anything but magical for me. I hope that the kids still had a good day despite the fact that I wasn't able to be much of a mommy. I woke the next morning and thought Helter Skelter had happened to the house. Alas, it pretty much had. It was completely over the top ready for an episode of Hoarders. And I do not believe anybody had any motivation to do anything about it. We've also been eating some interesting dinners lately as on Christmas eve, a fire sparked in my oven and my sweet daughter thought that the best way to handle it would be to throw water on it Sooooo...the heating element in the oven is no longer working. It's interesting to realize how much you really do depend on the oven even in this day of microwaves. But the fact that we have food in our bellies...even if our bellies are feeling less than stellar....is probably the more important factor here. Ahhhh....the holidays....
HEYA DOLL, WHERE YA BEEN ALL MY LIFE?
Wow, it's been about a month. Didn't even get to post about Mayson's three month birthday! Boo. It's just been really crazy busy. Busy busy busy. I make it all seem effortless and like I haven't even one grey hair. Do you know how much hair color I buy in a month anyway?
Well, except that I don't think the kids school thinks I have it all together. Those sweet kids were late to school again today. Oops. It is just the mechanics of it all. Right now I am driving William to the school and then coming back and resuming to get the rest of us ready. Thankfully Camille's bus stop isn't far. But then I feel bad that she has to walk in such bitter cold. I'm kind of more like a hippy mom in that really I'm not completely offended if my kids are late a fourth of the time. In fact I feel pretty damn good about myself if my kids are THERE 3/4 of the time. Don't get me wrong. I think education is super duper important. This is why I travel to such great lengths and make painstaking decisions of where to place my kids for schools. I don't think our kids have ever just went to the "neighborhood school". I guess some people would look at it as a control thing but it isn't. I really do want the BEST for my kids.....and speaking of which right now they are getting ANYTHING but that.
I am constantly fighting with the schools here in Meridian. I've begged Chad for us to move. I hate that Camille is in counseling because she hates school so much. I hate that the other kids reminisse about their old school and talk about "bullies" galore at the new school. I hate that I am literally fighting day after day to get anything done. I know I'm being talked into something I shouldn't be going for. The teachers all act like it is their JOB to protect their asses. No...your job is to teach my child! It's BEYOND frustrating. And yes, oh yes, I am complaining. I am literally considering homeschooling them all. Wouldn't that be interesting. Camille is open to the idea. The middle girls would probably warm up to the idea....William would be mortified. Well, except that he got to sleep in. I already learned it's difficult for me to be his mom and his teacher. We don't connect that way. I think we could if I had more time to spend individually with him but that isn't going to happen. I don't know what we will do. I am seriously considering a move. I want to move out of state and have a one year commitment to 'try something new". I want to move to a new state or even country. I hate Idaho. At least I think I do. I think right now is the perfect time for us to give it a try. It's hard to push my husbands hand with anything though. Sigh. If he only knew my system and what I dealt with each . and every. day! He would want something to change then too.
Thanksgiving really took a lot of efforts this year. Because we hosted at our house, I feel like all of the Christmas stuff got delayed. I'm so horribly feeling grinchy this year. I swear, I could care less about the smell of the fresh pine in our living room that sits half decorated because we got too tired to finish it. The lights outside? Oh they are interesting. It think a trailer park display would look less clusterfucked. But, I digress...I have some of the shopping done. Black Friday was a nightmare this year too. I went with the kids, which wasn't so bad, but Chad stayed home while I was out late late. And only fed Mayson one ounce of a bottle, so then he wanted to nurse all night. Yeesh! I wasn't too "into" the idea of hosting Thanksgiving the more it started to get nearer. I think there was really just too much going on in our lives. But we pulled it off. I have no idea what to do with Christmas. I cannot tell you what fun it is to go to the mall with little baby, toddler and kindergartener and try to make sure that you not only don't kill one of them or leave one of them (on purpose) but that you are back at school again for a few more kids that are waiting for you. Everyone is also sick. That's fun stuff. And dealing with some issues of my own...gosh..Chad decided on his own to sleep on the couch. Good riddance. That Old Man is tired because he chose to stay up until like four am watching television ...oh and putting together a train set. Sooooo frustrating.
So yeah, we didn't make it to several "traditions" this year. I don't know that we will be able to make up most of them. The trains, the Festival of Tree's, gun shooting...it's all too cold, or too late to try to pull any of those off. I've tried taking the kids with me to a few Christmas show's to get them more in the spirit and that backfired on me. They could just care less....and actually in the scheme of things I begin to wonder..."why?" Why in the world do I try to force things when our family is changing and evolving? We aren't the family of 2.5 kids that are under 5 years old that still gets into things like looking at Christmas lights in the car. No. Now we are the family of 9 (and perhaps counting) that are packed into the car like a bunch of sardines. The kids ripping each others hair out. The older kids are all emersed in their I-whatevers so that they are basicly just warm bodies taking up room in the car. It's weird because when we threaten that they are being brats and won't get to go do something, they act as though they WANT to be with us....well...mostly. But then they really don't act like they want to be there when they are there. Aw well...the nice thing I guess is that however tragic it all feels-we are all together. And that is something not many families can say. A lot of kids, particularly older kids don't or wont' really hang out as a family. So that's something. I suppose!
Well, except that I don't think the kids school thinks I have it all together. Those sweet kids were late to school again today. Oops. It is just the mechanics of it all. Right now I am driving William to the school and then coming back and resuming to get the rest of us ready. Thankfully Camille's bus stop isn't far. But then I feel bad that she has to walk in such bitter cold. I'm kind of more like a hippy mom in that really I'm not completely offended if my kids are late a fourth of the time. In fact I feel pretty damn good about myself if my kids are THERE 3/4 of the time. Don't get me wrong. I think education is super duper important. This is why I travel to such great lengths and make painstaking decisions of where to place my kids for schools. I don't think our kids have ever just went to the "neighborhood school". I guess some people would look at it as a control thing but it isn't. I really do want the BEST for my kids.....and speaking of which right now they are getting ANYTHING but that.
I am constantly fighting with the schools here in Meridian. I've begged Chad for us to move. I hate that Camille is in counseling because she hates school so much. I hate that the other kids reminisse about their old school and talk about "bullies" galore at the new school. I hate that I am literally fighting day after day to get anything done. I know I'm being talked into something I shouldn't be going for. The teachers all act like it is their JOB to protect their asses. No...your job is to teach my child! It's BEYOND frustrating. And yes, oh yes, I am complaining. I am literally considering homeschooling them all. Wouldn't that be interesting. Camille is open to the idea. The middle girls would probably warm up to the idea....William would be mortified. Well, except that he got to sleep in. I already learned it's difficult for me to be his mom and his teacher. We don't connect that way. I think we could if I had more time to spend individually with him but that isn't going to happen. I don't know what we will do. I am seriously considering a move. I want to move out of state and have a one year commitment to 'try something new". I want to move to a new state or even country. I hate Idaho. At least I think I do. I think right now is the perfect time for us to give it a try. It's hard to push my husbands hand with anything though. Sigh. If he only knew my system and what I dealt with each . and every. day! He would want something to change then too.
Thanksgiving really took a lot of efforts this year. Because we hosted at our house, I feel like all of the Christmas stuff got delayed. I'm so horribly feeling grinchy this year. I swear, I could care less about the smell of the fresh pine in our living room that sits half decorated because we got too tired to finish it. The lights outside? Oh they are interesting. It think a trailer park display would look less clusterfucked. But, I digress...I have some of the shopping done. Black Friday was a nightmare this year too. I went with the kids, which wasn't so bad, but Chad stayed home while I was out late late. And only fed Mayson one ounce of a bottle, so then he wanted to nurse all night. Yeesh! I wasn't too "into" the idea of hosting Thanksgiving the more it started to get nearer. I think there was really just too much going on in our lives. But we pulled it off. I have no idea what to do with Christmas. I cannot tell you what fun it is to go to the mall with little baby, toddler and kindergartener and try to make sure that you not only don't kill one of them or leave one of them (on purpose) but that you are back at school again for a few more kids that are waiting for you. Everyone is also sick. That's fun stuff. And dealing with some issues of my own...gosh..Chad decided on his own to sleep on the couch. Good riddance. That Old Man is tired because he chose to stay up until like four am watching television ...oh and putting together a train set. Sooooo frustrating.
So yeah, we didn't make it to several "traditions" this year. I don't know that we will be able to make up most of them. The trains, the Festival of Tree's, gun shooting...it's all too cold, or too late to try to pull any of those off. I've tried taking the kids with me to a few Christmas show's to get them more in the spirit and that backfired on me. They could just care less....and actually in the scheme of things I begin to wonder..."why?" Why in the world do I try to force things when our family is changing and evolving? We aren't the family of 2.5 kids that are under 5 years old that still gets into things like looking at Christmas lights in the car. No. Now we are the family of 9 (and perhaps counting) that are packed into the car like a bunch of sardines. The kids ripping each others hair out. The older kids are all emersed in their I-whatevers so that they are basicly just warm bodies taking up room in the car. It's weird because when we threaten that they are being brats and won't get to go do something, they act as though they WANT to be with us....well...mostly. But then they really don't act like they want to be there when they are there. Aw well...the nice thing I guess is that however tragic it all feels-we are all together. And that is something not many families can say. A lot of kids, particularly older kids don't or wont' really hang out as a family. So that's something. I suppose!
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