One month old that is! We are celebrating by baking you a chocolate cake. This was mom's craving that I ordered for after delivery but never really got. I did get some really really good chocolate chip cookies, but not my Costco chocolate cake like I really wanted. I was bummed that we not only didn't have the money for the Costco cake, but I guess nobody really took me seriously because they never got it for me. Sigh. Anyway, I decided that I would celebrate your one month birthday with a chocolate cake instead. I still don't have the money, so I thought I would bake a really delicious one instead. I will get that Costco cake sooner or later I am sure.
This is funny how things steamroll in this family. Of course you can't eat chocolate cake, but your family will delightfully help you with it. So somehow it was suggested we have chocolate cake EVERY month on your birth date. You know, I don't know why that would be a bad idea! I personally think you should be celebrated every single day and I hope that as your mommy I can do that in some form or fashion (but it would probably give us diabetes if we ate chocolate cake EVERY DAY. So once a month on the cake thing will do.
Then I got to thinking it would be fun to see how you grew, so I wanted to take a picture of you in the same spot every month with a sign that said what month you were in. And of course on your one year birthday you will actually get to EAT that huge chocolate Costco cake (hope you like chocolate...if you are actually from my loins you will) But my mind went deeper and deeper still. Doh, how about if we take a picture of a chocolate cake along with your birthday pose every month! We might have to start the cake out small....like you...and then it will get bigger and bigger ...just like you!
Maybe I've gone stark raving mad or maybe I'm just really super hungry for chocolate cake!?
Enough about the chocolate cake. How many times did I actually tap those words out anyway?
At one month, you are sleeping still quite a bit. You usually wake in a fair mood, but you get grumpy as the morning progresses. Your daily "nap" usually goes from about 11am until 3 or 4 pm. This gives me a lot of time to get things done but I know it won't stay that way long! You absolutely LOVE baths right now. You loved them from the beginning. You don't really smile yet. You have made a few smile faces in your sleep but I think those weren't really true. Sister Camille got one smile from you and we haven't seen you flash it since. Melted her heart! Broke mine, since SHE was the one that got the smile and not ME! Hmph. Today, you coo'd for the first time twice! You seem to really be interested in figuring out this "talking" thing. When you look at me, you seem like your eyes are searching me and making gestures to communicate. It is so precious. You don't like to be cold and usually feel really warm from your carrier. You still like to be swaddled. I should swaddle you more often but I get worried you want your hands out, so I don't do it as often as I should. At one month, you tolerate all of your brothers and sisters. You even let Eddie kiss your bald head endless times a day. You still have that little foot shakey thing. It's so cute! Your eyes are blue...lighter than the other kids and the center is really light. If I were to guess I would say you will have hazel eyes but everyone else thinks they will be blue. Your legs are pretty stretched out. Not as bowed as your sister Camille's or a few of the other kids were. You have already gotten to go to your first concert and hold your first pumpkin (grown in our own garden!) You seem to like to be sung to. You like to cuddle. I think it's fabulous that you are interested in going to sleep at about 10 pm and sleeping somewhat through the night. You might wake at about 5 or 6 am and I usually wake you to feed you too but so far I love the sleep you are doing! You HATE your bouncy seat right now. I mean HATE it. I can sometimes put you in your cradle but never the bouncy seat. I paid so much for that thing. Hmph. You will take a pacifier and Praise the Lord, it has been a Godsend! I hope you continue to take a pacifier. You are a fabulous sleeping partner. You always give me the sleepy pill. And you dont' mind your carseat...yet. You usually fall asleep in there.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
JUST A BIT BUMMED
I was trying to stay away from emotional bummer type posts, but whatever. I feel like crying right now and can't help it. I think I might have cried a little bit earlier but I couldn't exactly tell because my allergies are so bad I just know I'm dripping like I'm crying. LOL. This could be a cold too. I dunno.
The kids came home from church and I had hoped I could hop on here and post a little bit but no...it was all baby care, which is fine and I love but then they bombard me and any few seconds I thought I could have alone is shattered. I guess that isn't as much of a big deal (I know, my last post I said it came with the territory). But. All of the events I take care of myself. Everything concerning the household is mine to deal with. To include everything seven kids have going on. Yikes. Not only is it overwhelming but it's not fair. I begged the Old Man to finish that stupid truck months and months ago. Just like everything else it's procrastinated. He thinks he will actually fix his Oldsmobile one day. Hah! Even if he HAD the time, he would squander it. I seriously love him, but I am seriously annoyed with him.
The special time he has with his newborn son is gone. It really bothers me. I guess it doesn't bother him because he doesn't seem to act like it does. I keep begging and pleading for him to finish, but whatever he is doing is just taking forever. I hope it's worthwhile. Personally, nothing would be worth taking this much time away from my kids and putting my wife under this much stress. Oh yeah, it was going on while I was hot and miserable and pregnant too. It's been like the "truck from hell" in my opinion, but then I get the feeling he is outside watching television a whole lot while I take care of the kids too. I know I shouldn't slam him but he took on the project knowing I didn't want this same scenario as every other pregnancy. I told him that was the "conditions" way beforehand. It's a huge strain on my marriage right now. He get's pissy when I'm like "get out there, you have a truck to work on". He put himself in this situation since he's had MONTHS to work on it.
Ah, better....just needed to get that out. I guess girls night out at Bunco won't be happening either. I really needed the break. Damn. Upside is--I get to know our kids like the back of my hand. He has no clue about too much. This was a similar discussion when Eddie fell down the stairs and he refused to stay home to help.
The kids came home from church and I had hoped I could hop on here and post a little bit but no...it was all baby care, which is fine and I love but then they bombard me and any few seconds I thought I could have alone is shattered. I guess that isn't as much of a big deal (I know, my last post I said it came with the territory). But. All of the events I take care of myself. Everything concerning the household is mine to deal with. To include everything seven kids have going on. Yikes. Not only is it overwhelming but it's not fair. I begged the Old Man to finish that stupid truck months and months ago. Just like everything else it's procrastinated. He thinks he will actually fix his Oldsmobile one day. Hah! Even if he HAD the time, he would squander it. I seriously love him, but I am seriously annoyed with him.
The special time he has with his newborn son is gone. It really bothers me. I guess it doesn't bother him because he doesn't seem to act like it does. I keep begging and pleading for him to finish, but whatever he is doing is just taking forever. I hope it's worthwhile. Personally, nothing would be worth taking this much time away from my kids and putting my wife under this much stress. Oh yeah, it was going on while I was hot and miserable and pregnant too. It's been like the "truck from hell" in my opinion, but then I get the feeling he is outside watching television a whole lot while I take care of the kids too. I know I shouldn't slam him but he took on the project knowing I didn't want this same scenario as every other pregnancy. I told him that was the "conditions" way beforehand. It's a huge strain on my marriage right now. He get's pissy when I'm like "get out there, you have a truck to work on". He put himself in this situation since he's had MONTHS to work on it.
Ah, better....just needed to get that out. I guess girls night out at Bunco won't be happening either. I really needed the break. Damn. Upside is--I get to know our kids like the back of my hand. He has no clue about too much. This was a similar discussion when Eddie fell down the stairs and he refused to stay home to help.
I WOULD LOVE TO KEEP THIS SHORT AND SWEET.....
I don't know how much of this I can write. Currently you lay next to me sucking your pacifier and I'm expecting a blow up at any time. You have been sleeping a lot today because yesterday you didn't want to sleep for the life of you. Ha ha ...I guess if it even's out...Still, we all got up at six am, so get a free McDonalds breakfast that it ends up wasn't even happening today but yesterday. Ugh, Can I tell you how hard it is to get up and get seven kids out of the house and dressed, with chores done and on the road in time to make it to school? It was insane, but I stopped and got donuts instead. The donuts were good but ugh, made my stomach hurt. I think I was constipated. LOL. I'm thinking about moving away from carbs and more towards protein and less sugars. I'm hoping to stabilize moods and lose some weight...for me and the kids and daddy even. We consume so much sugars lately. I know it's not good and I think I'm pretty knowledgable about nutrition and health. I would say I know more than the average person. But...I haven't been practicing what I preach. So...we are going to change that!
I just got done singing some songs to you in my arms. I could see the glint of some of your hair only a mere shadow from the light of the computer screen. I sung just fragments of songs because when it comes to singing lullabies I just suck. Yes I do. I can sing along to lots of songs but then when I have to come up with something on my own...I fail miserably. Sorry , one of these days you will probably go to sing your own kids a lullaby and your wife will have to notify you that you are singing the words all kinds of wrong and you will say "but that's how my mom always sung it" and your wife will have to notify you that you are totally mistaken.
Today was another crazy day. After the breakfast fiasco, we went to the park a little since the younger kids couldn't be at school so early yet. Then I went home and tried to get a few photos for Lauren's school scrapbook project. Of course I opened the refrigerator door because I had forgotten to take my medicine earlier and smelled something really vile, so I started cleaning out he refrigerator. Then I noticed I would probably have to go to the store for laundry detergent so I decided I would need a bra for that. I went upstairs to get a bra and realized I had forgotten about downloading the pictures and you and brother were still patiently waiting for me in the car! Ugh!! So I went and got you both from the car and became completely consumed in photos.
Brother played with cars and was a really good boy while you slept nearby in your carseat. I could not believe how much had happened over the last five years since your sister Lauren was born! Well, for one...I really DO look older. Or maybe it takes more effort. I don't know what it is but I was thinking that I looked pretty good...er...I think I looked much better at 33. Sigh. Anyway, I couldn't believe this was the third house we were living in. I was remembering all that happened last summer at Burney Glen. I was remembering the pregnancy with your brother Edward and all of the things we did that summer. I was looking over Upward and football and thinking how much I miss the kids being in sports this year. Maybe I just miss Upward and the families. I was looking over all of the birthday parties and celebrations and holidays. I was looking at photo's of family....most of them gone now. Your grandmother Ann and two of your great grandmothers. Oh how I wish they could have seen you. I was glad we got to tell your grandma Ann that your were coming. Wow, that's been so hard on daddy. I just feel for him so much. I was looking at the photos and thinking how much relationships had changed. I guess the thing that struck me the most was that we always looked like our family was having fun in the photos. I know we fight and bicker and have "issues" with our relationships in our family but the honest to goodness truth is I think that we love each other and have a good time together and maybe even some of the time respect for each other.
I had "back to school" or "meet the teachers" or something like that tonight. Yeah me! Blech! I wasn't going to even attempt to go because honestly I don't care what the teachers have to say. LOL. I mean, two hours of going over what the teachers expect? I'm sure I won't be able to conform to begin with. I have seven kids and to be honest some shit just isn't going to get done on occasion. I mean, we will be diligent and try our hardest to accomplish things but my theory is that my kids are gone all day from me and I don't think they need an extra hour or two of "homework" on top of working all day. There is so much "riff raff" in public schools. I don't value education the way my husband and some of my friends do. I take "mental health days" and if my kids have a day that they have to go to the doctor, I'm sorry but I don't think I should have to have an excuse from the doctor to PROVE why they were gone! Its such bullshit. Of course I wish I could be homeschooling anyway but that is a different post. So I made it to the last half hour and the only reason I went was to see some artwork that Morgen had done. I told her beforehand I might not make it but I was glad I got to see the artwork she did. I was sad because I knew how much more enrichment the kids were getting at Pioneer. I really have to decide what we are doing here. Probably before October. I have to have a sit down with myself and the reality of thinking about going back to Pioneer and if I would be confusing my kids and if it would really be more work for me or not. I just don't know....Anyway, I came home from "meet the teacher night" with a gob more paperwork to sign. As if I haven't already filled out those silly pieces of paper with my kids names, birthdates and tons of other information that they should already have and really don't NEED. ugh. I was glad I got to see Morgen's Superhero. ha ha.
Tomorrow is breastfeeding class. I am looking forward to it to see if you have gained weight. I hope you have! I'm not really anxious about it but it would be nice to prove everybody wrong that my supply is so low that I'm not able to feed you. I know you have tons of wet diapers and you poop like a pooping machine! ha ha. I think it's okay if it takes a little bit longer to get you chunky. Breastfed babies aren't always chunky. My kids are usually on the smaller side anyway (you wouldn't know that from looking at William and Emma!) But I also like the time alone with you where I don't get interrupted for the zillionth time and have to scream down the hall at someone while you look at me wide eyed with a nipple in your mouth. I think I appreciate all of my kids just a little bit more when I don't have them for a few hours. I love being with my kids and hanging out with them and being a mommy. I wouldn't change that for the world, but it's fun to let all of the kids leave while I have time for just you!
Thinking of you, I found a cute little "Thumper" toy at the store today. It was so weird because I don't have a lot of money and don't go into the toy section normally just to "look". There sitting on a clearance shelf, all by itself was a little baby toy Thumper the rabbit. It was really odd because I've never actually seen a Thumper toy before and there were no others anywhere to be found. Just the one. I had to buy it for Christmas for you. I was thinking it was as unique as you.
Well I promised short and sweet. So here we are several hours later. I could keep going but you have woken several times and daddy is here and I still have school info to fill out (dread) and I'm exhausted. So maybe it wasn't so short and sweet after all.
I just got done singing some songs to you in my arms. I could see the glint of some of your hair only a mere shadow from the light of the computer screen. I sung just fragments of songs because when it comes to singing lullabies I just suck. Yes I do. I can sing along to lots of songs but then when I have to come up with something on my own...I fail miserably. Sorry , one of these days you will probably go to sing your own kids a lullaby and your wife will have to notify you that you are singing the words all kinds of wrong and you will say "but that's how my mom always sung it" and your wife will have to notify you that you are totally mistaken.
Today was another crazy day. After the breakfast fiasco, we went to the park a little since the younger kids couldn't be at school so early yet. Then I went home and tried to get a few photos for Lauren's school scrapbook project. Of course I opened the refrigerator door because I had forgotten to take my medicine earlier and smelled something really vile, so I started cleaning out he refrigerator. Then I noticed I would probably have to go to the store for laundry detergent so I decided I would need a bra for that. I went upstairs to get a bra and realized I had forgotten about downloading the pictures and you and brother were still patiently waiting for me in the car! Ugh!! So I went and got you both from the car and became completely consumed in photos.
Brother played with cars and was a really good boy while you slept nearby in your carseat. I could not believe how much had happened over the last five years since your sister Lauren was born! Well, for one...I really DO look older. Or maybe it takes more effort. I don't know what it is but I was thinking that I looked pretty good...er...I think I looked much better at 33. Sigh. Anyway, I couldn't believe this was the third house we were living in. I was remembering all that happened last summer at Burney Glen. I was remembering the pregnancy with your brother Edward and all of the things we did that summer. I was looking over Upward and football and thinking how much I miss the kids being in sports this year. Maybe I just miss Upward and the families. I was looking over all of the birthday parties and celebrations and holidays. I was looking at photo's of family....most of them gone now. Your grandmother Ann and two of your great grandmothers. Oh how I wish they could have seen you. I was glad we got to tell your grandma Ann that your were coming. Wow, that's been so hard on daddy. I just feel for him so much. I was looking at the photos and thinking how much relationships had changed. I guess the thing that struck me the most was that we always looked like our family was having fun in the photos. I know we fight and bicker and have "issues" with our relationships in our family but the honest to goodness truth is I think that we love each other and have a good time together and maybe even some of the time respect for each other.
I had "back to school" or "meet the teachers" or something like that tonight. Yeah me! Blech! I wasn't going to even attempt to go because honestly I don't care what the teachers have to say. LOL. I mean, two hours of going over what the teachers expect? I'm sure I won't be able to conform to begin with. I have seven kids and to be honest some shit just isn't going to get done on occasion. I mean, we will be diligent and try our hardest to accomplish things but my theory is that my kids are gone all day from me and I don't think they need an extra hour or two of "homework" on top of working all day. There is so much "riff raff" in public schools. I don't value education the way my husband and some of my friends do. I take "mental health days" and if my kids have a day that they have to go to the doctor, I'm sorry but I don't think I should have to have an excuse from the doctor to PROVE why they were gone! Its such bullshit. Of course I wish I could be homeschooling anyway but that is a different post. So I made it to the last half hour and the only reason I went was to see some artwork that Morgen had done. I told her beforehand I might not make it but I was glad I got to see the artwork she did. I was sad because I knew how much more enrichment the kids were getting at Pioneer. I really have to decide what we are doing here. Probably before October. I have to have a sit down with myself and the reality of thinking about going back to Pioneer and if I would be confusing my kids and if it would really be more work for me or not. I just don't know....Anyway, I came home from "meet the teacher night" with a gob more paperwork to sign. As if I haven't already filled out those silly pieces of paper with my kids names, birthdates and tons of other information that they should already have and really don't NEED. ugh. I was glad I got to see Morgen's Superhero. ha ha.
Tomorrow is breastfeeding class. I am looking forward to it to see if you have gained weight. I hope you have! I'm not really anxious about it but it would be nice to prove everybody wrong that my supply is so low that I'm not able to feed you. I know you have tons of wet diapers and you poop like a pooping machine! ha ha. I think it's okay if it takes a little bit longer to get you chunky. Breastfed babies aren't always chunky. My kids are usually on the smaller side anyway (you wouldn't know that from looking at William and Emma!) But I also like the time alone with you where I don't get interrupted for the zillionth time and have to scream down the hall at someone while you look at me wide eyed with a nipple in your mouth. I think I appreciate all of my kids just a little bit more when I don't have them for a few hours. I love being with my kids and hanging out with them and being a mommy. I wouldn't change that for the world, but it's fun to let all of the kids leave while I have time for just you!
Thinking of you, I found a cute little "Thumper" toy at the store today. It was so weird because I don't have a lot of money and don't go into the toy section normally just to "look". There sitting on a clearance shelf, all by itself was a little baby toy Thumper the rabbit. It was really odd because I've never actually seen a Thumper toy before and there were no others anywhere to be found. Just the one. I had to buy it for Christmas for you. I was thinking it was as unique as you.
Well I promised short and sweet. So here we are several hours later. I could keep going but you have woken several times and daddy is here and I still have school info to fill out (dread) and I'm exhausted. So maybe it wasn't so short and sweet after all.
NEW NAME ...
I think we've decided your new nickname will be Thumper. Your poor little legs just thump and shake so hard. I've never had a baby that does that before! I scoured the internet and apparently it's an okay thing...just something unique about you! Man, you are fussy tonight. You and I both had a rough night last night. I had a splitting headache from these stupid sinuses and nothing would take it away. You didn't want to go into a deep sleep and you still haven't really slept well aside from cat napping all day. Ugh! Thankfully daddy took the day off and actually helped me with you and the other kids for a while. I won't tell you what they looked like going to school today. Oh boy! Hair was interesting and everyone got up late, but it all worked out anyway.
Right now you are sleepy rocking with daddy as I try to write this out. I feel anxious when I'm not holding you...like I'm being selfish, but I need to put my thoughts down...it's theraputic. Tonight daddy got pretty upset at your brother Eddie. He spilled his drink in his dinner again. Again. Yes, he knows better...he's almost three but gosh he's going through a lot of transitions he doesn't understand at all. He usually keeps a sweet little smile about it too. I love all of my kids equally but I have to admit that I have a special pocket where I keep my boys. I felt bad for Eddie. My heart dropped a little because you did something cute at the table and right after Eddie got into trouble and was crying, he looked down the table at you and smiled right along with the rest of the family. Most kids would be jealous their younger brother was getting so much attention. And whoa does he give you a LOT of attention. He walked into the room today and said "where's baby?" I said "I'm not going to tell you because you will wake him up!" I had to say that over and over because he was insisting on figuring out where you were. I am having a hard time not sleeping with Eddie. I love that kid so darn much. I know it's not good when you are so small and he is such a bed hog, so I try to keep him out of our bed but I feel so bad because he's my boy too.
Today has been a hard adjustment type of day. I am missing the whole pregnancy thing as I sit here and read about being pregnant. The girls will half heartedly rub my blubbery tummy and say "Oh mom, I will still pamper you even if you aren't pregnant", but it's not the same of course. Lauren was sweet today at kindergarten and asked daddy if he remembered to tell me that she said "love you mommy!" when I was at home in bed and he was dropping her off. That melted my heart. I'm having a HARD TIME keeping up with the days the kids have had, finding out what homework, or parent night ect. I need to be at now and trying to stay on top of the stuff going on with a newborn and the household situations. It's crazy overwhelming.
Grandma stopped by today. I was surprised by that. I felt bad that my sister still didn't show up this last weekend. I knew she wouldn't make it over. I guess if it were the first time she had disappointed me I would feel differently. It's hard to explain. I'm not mad...maybe I've gotten to the point where I feel so hurt that she wasn't around in any facet during the pregnancy, for your birth and now after your birth that I loathe the idea of trying to make things work. Again...I'm not angry but the hurt goes really deep and it's not really excusable. I know if the shoe were on the other foot she would feel the same way about me not being there for her I guess. Maybe I need to text my feelings to her. I don't know if it would do any good. She is who she is. :( I have a lot of hurt over family and their behavior period. I know I've touched on this before so I won't beat a dead horse.
I keep wondering if I'm really tired tonight and that's why my mood is so low. I got only a few hours of sleep and then had to take muscle relaxers for my headache. Gosh, I hate the feeling that sometimes I wonder if that trap is there again. I got another bottle of Tylenol 3 filled a week ago. Of course my wrist was killing me and I've been using it for pain ...I've been in a lot of pain since your birth...either body aches from hell or my wrist or my head. I have just not felt well at all. My birthing pain seems to be almost non existant though. Anyway, I've only been using it for pain but I was to the point of not using a lot at all during pregnancy and before pregnancy I felt like I was falling back into a trap that I was in at Burney Glen and using it a LOT and using it to change my moods because that little numb feeling was so overwhelmingly needed. Anyway, I don't think that's what's going on. Point is...I'm trying to get healthy and have goals and can't obtain them if I fall back into that trap, so I feel bummed when I have to use it like today. Thank goodness that headache went away though!
I had a much better talk with your dad this last weekend. I also told him to stop harrassing me about my desire for another baby later in life because right now it CAN'T happen (I won't have a cycle until breastfeeding almost stops) and when I start cycling again, we will revisit the subject. Obviously right now my brain is being run over by hormones and I only know what the hormones say...not logic!I did have a good talk about my desire to live a more rural life too. Him and I are on the same page! I can't describe what an overwhelming desire it is and why. Maybe hormones again? I don't want to become complacent and give up on the idea though because we get busy and the hormones aren't there anymore.
I guess I'm in a serious mood tonight and blogging for therapy because I'm feeling funky. If there's one thing I've learned it is not to take yourself too seriously when you have almost a baseball team of kids! Perhaps I'll stop here before I start singing bad country songs. LOL!
Right now you are sleepy rocking with daddy as I try to write this out. I feel anxious when I'm not holding you...like I'm being selfish, but I need to put my thoughts down...it's theraputic. Tonight daddy got pretty upset at your brother Eddie. He spilled his drink in his dinner again. Again. Yes, he knows better...he's almost three but gosh he's going through a lot of transitions he doesn't understand at all. He usually keeps a sweet little smile about it too. I love all of my kids equally but I have to admit that I have a special pocket where I keep my boys. I felt bad for Eddie. My heart dropped a little because you did something cute at the table and right after Eddie got into trouble and was crying, he looked down the table at you and smiled right along with the rest of the family. Most kids would be jealous their younger brother was getting so much attention. And whoa does he give you a LOT of attention. He walked into the room today and said "where's baby?" I said "I'm not going to tell you because you will wake him up!" I had to say that over and over because he was insisting on figuring out where you were. I am having a hard time not sleeping with Eddie. I love that kid so darn much. I know it's not good when you are so small and he is such a bed hog, so I try to keep him out of our bed but I feel so bad because he's my boy too.
Today has been a hard adjustment type of day. I am missing the whole pregnancy thing as I sit here and read about being pregnant. The girls will half heartedly rub my blubbery tummy and say "Oh mom, I will still pamper you even if you aren't pregnant", but it's not the same of course. Lauren was sweet today at kindergarten and asked daddy if he remembered to tell me that she said "love you mommy!" when I was at home in bed and he was dropping her off. That melted my heart. I'm having a HARD TIME keeping up with the days the kids have had, finding out what homework, or parent night ect. I need to be at now and trying to stay on top of the stuff going on with a newborn and the household situations. It's crazy overwhelming.
Grandma stopped by today. I was surprised by that. I felt bad that my sister still didn't show up this last weekend. I knew she wouldn't make it over. I guess if it were the first time she had disappointed me I would feel differently. It's hard to explain. I'm not mad...maybe I've gotten to the point where I feel so hurt that she wasn't around in any facet during the pregnancy, for your birth and now after your birth that I loathe the idea of trying to make things work. Again...I'm not angry but the hurt goes really deep and it's not really excusable. I know if the shoe were on the other foot she would feel the same way about me not being there for her I guess. Maybe I need to text my feelings to her. I don't know if it would do any good. She is who she is. :( I have a lot of hurt over family and their behavior period. I know I've touched on this before so I won't beat a dead horse.
I keep wondering if I'm really tired tonight and that's why my mood is so low. I got only a few hours of sleep and then had to take muscle relaxers for my headache. Gosh, I hate the feeling that sometimes I wonder if that trap is there again. I got another bottle of Tylenol 3 filled a week ago. Of course my wrist was killing me and I've been using it for pain ...I've been in a lot of pain since your birth...either body aches from hell or my wrist or my head. I have just not felt well at all. My birthing pain seems to be almost non existant though. Anyway, I've only been using it for pain but I was to the point of not using a lot at all during pregnancy and before pregnancy I felt like I was falling back into a trap that I was in at Burney Glen and using it a LOT and using it to change my moods because that little numb feeling was so overwhelmingly needed. Anyway, I don't think that's what's going on. Point is...I'm trying to get healthy and have goals and can't obtain them if I fall back into that trap, so I feel bummed when I have to use it like today. Thank goodness that headache went away though!
I had a much better talk with your dad this last weekend. I also told him to stop harrassing me about my desire for another baby later in life because right now it CAN'T happen (I won't have a cycle until breastfeeding almost stops) and when I start cycling again, we will revisit the subject. Obviously right now my brain is being run over by hormones and I only know what the hormones say...not logic!I did have a good talk about my desire to live a more rural life too. Him and I are on the same page! I can't describe what an overwhelming desire it is and why. Maybe hormones again? I don't want to become complacent and give up on the idea though because we get busy and the hormones aren't there anymore.
I guess I'm in a serious mood tonight and blogging for therapy because I'm feeling funky. If there's one thing I've learned it is not to take yourself too seriously when you have almost a baseball team of kids! Perhaps I'll stop here before I start singing bad country songs. LOL!
ECT. ECT. ECT.
I just can't believe how busy life is. I have so much I want to do and I want to do it right "damn" now! But my baby is little and life needs to slow down a bit. I get anxiety because he is sleeping and I know he won't be my drowsy little baby for much longer and I will really "pay" for trying to keep this show running at the speed it's running right now.
I don't recall really...if I got good sleep last night. I woke up feeling like a freight train hit me and fell asleep while it was just me and Eddie and the baby. Poor Eddie was supposed to be reading me a book when I nodded off and I think I kept telling him "five more minutes baby". I feel so bad for him because I'm a sucky mother to him right now. No, really I am. I have the older kids "stuff" and that's complex. I have the middle kids stuff and oh my gosh, there is a lot of "stuff". Homework for instance. I had no idea how long that &$!*& would take with three of them in elementary school. Bullshit I say when they mention "skill review". Ugh! Tonight my daughter was painting a tennis ball and we have already had a huge scrapbook page thingy and pages and pages of stuff they are supposed to be doing and learning and ....well, right now I'm trying to keep up but maybe soon I will just sign my life away without looking because the volume is hard to keep up with.
Anyway, back to Eddie. There is really not a lot I can do with him in two and a half hours time while we "wait" for Lauren. A lot of time he sits here and listens to Mayson cry while I frantically run through the house trying to get it cleaned and trying to get a shower or maybe just slap on some makeup or even a bra would be nice. And after Lauren gets home, we have to do errands and then the older middle kids get picked up and then it's homework and dinner and then it's time for a book and it's always an older kid book because they have to get it back to the school library. ect. ect. ect. Geeze!
Today I did take him and all of the kids on a walk. The middle kids kept interrupting and it was really distracting because I was trying to connect with Camille. Before the walk, I brought Mayson up to Eddies little face and said "I love you brother" and sweet little Edward just got a giggle and a sweet smile and was just the coolest kid ever. Considering that boy is getting the short end of the stick right now, he sure is sweet to his brother. Even if he does steal his blankets and pacifiers for himself. sigh. I try not to get on him too terribly much because in the grand scheme of things ...well you know.
I am hoping it gets better as Mayson gets older and the boys can play a little together and Mayson is a little more rugged.
I really miss my husband. This damn truck. Never doing it again. I am saying there are better ways to make money that we can BOTH work on. He is just too tired when he gets home for this stuff. It was different when he was working right next to where we lived or when he didn't have to be to work until 9am. This is insane. I worry about his health if we keep this up. Of course right now he makes too much for us to receive any type of assistance, which is fine and I love the idea of supporting our own family. In fact, it's necessary. But, it's hard to support a family of nine with one income. We are buried right now. I have a phone call coming in about the 10K "they" say we owe and I just can't imagine how this is all going to work out. Seriously I will have to declare bankruptcy, which I can't do. I don't know how things got this so screwed up. Maybe my standards are out of whack? I mean, I don't "think" so? There are a lot of things we go without and a lot of ways I try to "save", but I just don't know why or how it got so bad. I'm just hanging on to God right now. There is no way for me to resolve it right now. No way really at all. So I will just trust in God that he will fix it all. I have faith. But come Friday...I might be shaken up.
May sound like I'm complaining but really I'm not. Things seem brutal right now with little time for relaxation or enjoyment for myself, but that's what is in the cards with lots of kids and a newborn. I know that enough right now that it doesn't bother me...anymore. I would say there was probably a day that I would throw a fit that I didn't get to enjoy "my" stuff, but maybe I've matured. LOL. I certainly hope so! I am so thankful for all that I have and wouldn't change one single thing! I love my kids and am thankful they are healthy! I love that my husband works so hard for our family (even if it does seem like we are drowning financially, he just keeps on going) I love that I have friends and family that support my feelings (even if they may not agree with them) and I am thankful that I know God and live for Him!
I don't recall really...if I got good sleep last night. I woke up feeling like a freight train hit me and fell asleep while it was just me and Eddie and the baby. Poor Eddie was supposed to be reading me a book when I nodded off and I think I kept telling him "five more minutes baby". I feel so bad for him because I'm a sucky mother to him right now. No, really I am. I have the older kids "stuff" and that's complex. I have the middle kids stuff and oh my gosh, there is a lot of "stuff". Homework for instance. I had no idea how long that &$!*& would take with three of them in elementary school. Bullshit I say when they mention "skill review". Ugh! Tonight my daughter was painting a tennis ball and we have already had a huge scrapbook page thingy and pages and pages of stuff they are supposed to be doing and learning and ....well, right now I'm trying to keep up but maybe soon I will just sign my life away without looking because the volume is hard to keep up with.
Anyway, back to Eddie. There is really not a lot I can do with him in two and a half hours time while we "wait" for Lauren. A lot of time he sits here and listens to Mayson cry while I frantically run through the house trying to get it cleaned and trying to get a shower or maybe just slap on some makeup or even a bra would be nice. And after Lauren gets home, we have to do errands and then the older middle kids get picked up and then it's homework and dinner and then it's time for a book and it's always an older kid book because they have to get it back to the school library. ect. ect. ect. Geeze!
Today I did take him and all of the kids on a walk. The middle kids kept interrupting and it was really distracting because I was trying to connect with Camille. Before the walk, I brought Mayson up to Eddies little face and said "I love you brother" and sweet little Edward just got a giggle and a sweet smile and was just the coolest kid ever. Considering that boy is getting the short end of the stick right now, he sure is sweet to his brother. Even if he does steal his blankets and pacifiers for himself. sigh. I try not to get on him too terribly much because in the grand scheme of things ...well you know.
I am hoping it gets better as Mayson gets older and the boys can play a little together and Mayson is a little more rugged.
I really miss my husband. This damn truck. Never doing it again. I am saying there are better ways to make money that we can BOTH work on. He is just too tired when he gets home for this stuff. It was different when he was working right next to where we lived or when he didn't have to be to work until 9am. This is insane. I worry about his health if we keep this up. Of course right now he makes too much for us to receive any type of assistance, which is fine and I love the idea of supporting our own family. In fact, it's necessary. But, it's hard to support a family of nine with one income. We are buried right now. I have a phone call coming in about the 10K "they" say we owe and I just can't imagine how this is all going to work out. Seriously I will have to declare bankruptcy, which I can't do. I don't know how things got this so screwed up. Maybe my standards are out of whack? I mean, I don't "think" so? There are a lot of things we go without and a lot of ways I try to "save", but I just don't know why or how it got so bad. I'm just hanging on to God right now. There is no way for me to resolve it right now. No way really at all. So I will just trust in God that he will fix it all. I have faith. But come Friday...I might be shaken up.
May sound like I'm complaining but really I'm not. Things seem brutal right now with little time for relaxation or enjoyment for myself, but that's what is in the cards with lots of kids and a newborn. I know that enough right now that it doesn't bother me...anymore. I would say there was probably a day that I would throw a fit that I didn't get to enjoy "my" stuff, but maybe I've matured. LOL. I certainly hope so! I am so thankful for all that I have and wouldn't change one single thing! I love my kids and am thankful they are healthy! I love that my husband works so hard for our family (even if it does seem like we are drowning financially, he just keeps on going) I love that I have friends and family that support my feelings (even if they may not agree with them) and I am thankful that I know God and live for Him!
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
A NEW LIFE IN THE MAKING....
I have really not been enthusiastic with the weather this
pregnancy. I thought that by buying a
swimming pool, it would help ease the horrid feelings that are associated with
pregnancy and dramatic heat. And when I
say dramatic, I mean up to 111 degree’s this summer! Consistantly. Man. A lot of stuff we normally have fun
doing over summer break have been more difficult because with you as an instant
insulator to begin with….I have been miserably hot and felt faintish. My ankles are kankles and have even sent me
to the ER a few times. My blood pressure
has been up and down with you…not ever really high, but kind of
borderline. I suspect that comes with
nerves. I don’t think I’ve dealt with
this type of anxiety since I was pregnant with your sister Emma. Still, most of our summer activities have
been in the extreme heat. I have been
worried of course about how this affects you, but you still move and shake and
get hiccups and seem to be just fine even though your mom has been
miserable. I plan on “laying in” after
your birth, so I’m really trying to love up every last second with activities
with your brothers and sisters for I know soon they will be saying “I’m
bored”. On one hand…thankfully they will
be going back to school. On another hand…ugh,
they will be going back to school and routines and blah blah blah will all
start again. Currently we sleep in until
10am. Of course you kick my butt several
times a night to get up to pee and I am typing this at 2am as it is. I suspect it will be 3am before I am
asleep. With that type of schedule, and
you being here school will be dramatic at first! I expect many tears to be shed
and most will probably come from MY own eyes.
Going back to school, having a new sibiling, it will all be such a
transition and one that I think we are all expecting but also it’s difficult to
imagine. Again, I’m trying not to
control the situation too much because if I do I know there is a danger that
things will go different from my plan and I would be disappointed. So, we might just “talk” about how things
might go and go from there again with Whatever God’s Plan Is!
I wasn’t going to do “birth announcements” because I figured
it would be a lot of work and I didn’t know how they would be received, but
your father has talked me into the idea.
I am a HUGE camera fanatic…you will find this out! I can’t think of a
better way to have fun with photo’s and announce you! I have a cute plan of
getting some photo’s with you in a baseball glove. I’m pretty excited with those. I also have a cute little monster hat and
monster blanket I had special made for you that I want to use in
photographs. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed
pinteresting all of the cute baby photo’s and poses we could use. I’m hoping to use daddy’s friend that is a photographer
for your photo shoot.
As I am in the last trimester and so excited that it really
could be “any day” now, I feel like I might leave out a detail and I just want
to revel in the last few days of this pregnancy. Sure, there has been a lot of stuff that have
happened over the last year in fact that have made me have to sort of push
parts of the pregnancy aside, but there have also been fun times and good
things that have occurred as well.
Growing you in my belly has been the highlight of this year for me. I can’t think of anything more exciting than
to have a new life and to have you nurse at my breasts and hold your sweet
delicate skin and touch your tiny little feet.
I’ve been seeing a chiropractor for the back and ligament
pain I have been having. That sciatic
nerve is something else and it hurts on BOTH sides! At one point in my second
trimester …I was about 17 weeks pregnant I thought I was having contractions
and may be losing you because I had such bad back cramps. I hated the way I was treated at the
hospital. They suggested it was just a
pain and there was nothing they could do anyway until I was 20 weeks! Ugh!
Thankfully a prenatal massage (heaven) and adjustments have been
wonderful.
Your brothers and sisters have been such a huge help during
this pregnancy. William at 13 years old
has never made me mow the lawn. I have
trimmed once but not mowed since we moved.
I can’t tell you how much this helps me.
I don’t mind mowing once I am not pregnant, but with the heat and
mobility issues, it has been so nice.
All of the kids have helped me to plant he garden. I planted 21 strawberry plants this year
(three for each of my children!) That was fun, but a lot of work for the kids,
who didn’t complain once! Camille helped me plant part of the garden, wich was
surprising because she is less of an “outdoorsy” type. I Although she will cook me up just about
anything I want to eat! Seriously, if I mention a craving she says “I can make
that!” and usually WILL. I get a lot of muffins and homemade goodies
on a pretty regular basis…Don’t ask her to do dishes afterwards though. She will TRY but she is blind I think and oh
my goodness….it’s not a good deal. The
meals are delicious though. I can count
some days that she has literally made breakfast, lunch and dinner! When your
brother was going to baseball, she was making dinner almost every night! A girl
could get used to that! Emma is always a little distant, but she has been sweet
in rubbing my feet with lotion and taking a lot of interest in the baby. I was showing her weekly pictures on the
internet of what you should look like.
Eventually that trailed off because you simply will look like a baby
now! But she has been very interested.
She wants to be at the birth. I
have mixed feelings on that. I think she
can handle it but I don’t know how long labour will last, so it concerns me
also. Morgen has been sweet at ever with
brushing my hair and endlessly rubbing my belly. Lauren has even been known to rub my belly
with lotion! Eddie just likes to talk to you through my belly button. He keeps saying “I’m getting bigger and baby
is getting bigger too!” Isn’t THAT the truth! I think he comprehends what is
going to happen….I don’t think he can imagine how it will affect him just
yet. Such as us having to kick him out
of our bed. But I think he understands a
real live baby will be coming soon! When we asked him what he wanted to “give”
to the baby (and this was at the beginning of the second trimester) he said “My
weiner”. Oh my gosh. I would ask him if it was a baby boy or a
baby girl and he was very matter of fact and never deviated from saying “baby
boy, or baby brother”. It was the
weirdest thing. I tend to think you both
will have a bond that has already begun, even while you are in my womb. Your older brother has been really patient
with me. He knows how fragile I am with
my emotions and he really tries to be understanding. We still have arguments that make me blow my
fuse occasionally, but for the most part, I have really loved how well he has
treated me. He painted my toenails for
me the other night and I happen to know he really really didn’t want to! Ha
ha. It will be interesting to see who is
at the birth. I have opened it up to the
three older kids. Camille doesn’t seem
as interested, but William and Emma may be depending on the time and duration. William really does have a soft heart when
you get down to the bottom of him. I am
hoping someone will be there to take video of the event. I hope your daddy will be free to help me
with the labor while someone else takes video.
 |
| SHARING SUMMERTIME GOODNESS AS A FAMILY |
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| BABY'S GROW BIG WITH MARSHMALLOWS |
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| THE GOOD PARTS OF SUMMER |
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| ABOUT 33 WEEKS! |
PREGNANCY RAMBLINGS
If you don’t believe how excited I am, you should see your
wardrobe so far. I keep hoping you will
come soon because I keep buying you more and more clothes. I’ve been told “shame on you” because I
should have clothes from Eddie. I have
put those clothes into rotation for you.
Even some from Emma and William (a little unisex GAP outfit) but like
I’ve told dad…you need your own stuff too.
You don’t have to have total hand-me-downs. I’m super picky too! Oh my..I typically don’t
buy anything with animals on it. Too
icky cutesy. I have bought you a few frog items and I think one monkey item,
but most of your stuff is football or basketball. Tonight I found a skeleton newborn sleeper
and got so impressed that I will have a newborn for Halloween! We bought a
green and white striped onsie with green pants and a frog cap for your going
home outfit. I’m getting worried if you
stay inside too much longer you won’t get to wear all of the summer outfits I
bought you. I thought you would be here
sooner than now (at almost 37 weeks) I wouldn’t mind being 38 weeks with you
though. I dunno about going further than
that…I’m afraid you could get too big! I thought that about Edward too
though. I’m sure you will be just fine
and get to wear all of those cute newborn items I picked out. Which …there is a LOT!
I started preparing the room and the contents as well as
your crib and bouncy ect. at about 32 weeks.
I knew that if I waited too late that if I had to go on bedrest or
something it would become tricky anyway.
I couldn’t trust daddy or someone else to prepare for you! So here I’ve
been ready for months now. I also packed
the “hospital” bag at about 34 weeks. I
keep finding things to take. Like last
night I decided that lavendar oil might help me in delivery to be calmer. When I was having contractions it seemed to
help anyway….so I put that on top. I
hate taking too much because you have to bring it all home and put it all away!
I learned that tip and trick when I was pg with your sister Camille! The most
important items not to forget are the video camera, camera, and your baby
book. The baby book is perfect for your
footprints. I have to have them! And the
camera and video camera are important in documenting your birth! I don’t know
if you will want to watch your birth when you are older, but I think it’s
amazing to watch. I learned that one
from your sister Emma! Emma is the only sibiling that you have that doesn’t
have a birth video. She was coming too
fast and she was three weeks early so I wasn’t prepared. I feel sad that I don’t have a birth video of
her now because we watch the video’s frequently on birthdays. I hope you aren’t speedy speedy and that we
at least capture the birth on film.
I keep having a dream that you will be born at home or in
the car or something awful like that! I don’t know which is worse…to sit in
that hospital room and feel nervous and anxious and concede to an epidural or
to think that I could have you in the car! I don’t like either scenerio
honestly, but the plan is to stay away from the hospital as long as possible so
that I don’t have an epidural. I think
it’s healthier for you and I both. We
will see though. I may decide different
when the time comes! In fact, as I sit here and think about it, I realize that
just like in most pregnancies I am completely unaware of how this will all
“go”, and there are many different routes labor and delivery can take and most
of those routes are really out of my control.
That’s hefty for me to admit…that something may not be in my
control…This is where I lean on God-our Heavenly Father and His plan for me and
for you. I know He has plans not to harm
us but for us to prosper, so I can only believe that everything will turn out
as it should. Considering becoming
pregnant with you was a leap of faith to begin with. I had so many problems with your brother,
Edwards delivery that I seriously sighed so bodly that I was DONE and was so glad
that I wasn’t pregnant anymore after his birth…and yet here I am again! I’m
okay with that though because I don’t feel like it is “destined” to be
difficult. I trust in God and just hope
that he guides me through whatever we have to go through to get you to earth
safely!
My biggest craving this pregnancy has been watermelon,
cherries and anything sweet! So much so that we thought you were a girl just
because of the cravings! I have also been known to throw back a donut, cherry
pie, cheesecake, snowcone, ice cream, soda and other lucious items like that! I
craved much different items when I was pregnant with the other kids. Your sibilings have said that they love to go
to the store with me because they can talk me into buying sweet treats so
easily simply because I’m pregnant and craving sweets! I sure hope this means
you will be a sweet little boy! Or…you will be a BIG boy! Ha ha…I was eating
gluten free before I became pregnant with you, but that had to change until I
became more accustomed to morning sickness.
I found that during my second trimester gluten didn’t seem to affect me
as much as normally. I will be gluten
free again after you are born more than likely.
I feel a little bad because I feel like I certainly could have eaten
better during this pregnancy. Not having
gained too terribly much weight is a good sign, and I am not eating chili
cheese dogs every day like I did in my very last pregnancy (yes, really!) but I
have been a tad bit of a garbage disposal since the middle of pregnancy. I tried very hard in the first half of
pregnancy to drink less soda and eat less sugars, but that sorta started to go
out the window (as I sit here looking at my glass of Pepsi and bowl of Dorito’s
chips). I don’t understand women that
don’t have pregnancy cravings because that is how my body functions is one
craving to the next! Don’t get me wrong though, I try very hard to make sure a
lot of our food is “cleaner” and healthier but I can see where I have gotten
off track somewhat. If I have the choice
to pay more for less of say HFCS, then I will…and I try to do whole grains with
tons of fiber. I love Kashi Berry
Fruitful cereal and it has been a constant craving for me. I try to eat non-GMO foods and tons of fresh
fruits and veggies. In fact we have a pretty
impressive garden this year. I will
admit that since planting it on Mother’s Day (with the help of your sibilings)
I have been neglecting it to a certain extent.
Well…more than usual anyway. But
we continue to pull zuchini and cucumbers and anticipate the first of heirloom
tomato’s to ripen! I love gardening and probably always will. I can’t wait until I have my grand-children
next to me to get excited over my “pumpkin farm”.
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